Sunday, May 4, 2008

The Fork In the Road

It would be nice to just have a simple day without having to decide anything critical.

I am spent. I am exhausted. We've had some very beautiful moments here in the NATUI household the past few days, but they have been hard earned.

It is tiresome having to decide that today is going to be a good day. Every. Single. Day.

State of mind is state of being. I get it. My kids don't know that we are living paycheck to paycheck. As far as they are concerned they have a great backyard to play in. They get cool sandwiches to eat for dinner. They get to see other kids at the playground. Except for mom telling them Share! and Quit hitting your brother/sister life is FUN FUN FUN.

I know the life I create for them is the one they will remember. Not the one we actually have.

Not that the one we have is bad. It is just under a lot of construction right now.

I leave you with sappy, non-NATUIesque photos I took over the weekend. They are some of my favs because they make me happy. They make my heart hurt. Fucking hell, I love my family. They make me want to be a better person and get my shit together. They terrify me because I am I afraid I will fail them. I cannot. bear. the. thought.

Isn't motherhood grand?


mermaid said...

We all love our kids and keep knocking our heads against the wall to make a good place for them in this world--even though we're bleeding from the process.

Pick up that fork and sink it into something delicious--by the look of your pics, I'd say you already did. I'd choose cake with lots of frosting right now, myself.

Jay said...

Sweetie, the life you created for them IS the life they actually have. You're doing just fine. ;)

twofistededitor said...

What you are creating for your kids is what my parents created for me. One of my folks was always at home to take care of me and my siblings, we always had enough to eat, and when we didn't get the things we wanted, it was because they were things we didn't need. I attribute my (fairly) upright-citizen status to the fact that without ever talking about money, it was clear in our house that money wasn't important. Our priorities were God and each other, and that was all that mattered.

Gypsy said...

Dig in? :) And wear your hard hat. {hugs}

buddha_girl said...

My family was in dire straits when I was growing up, but I had no idea until I was able to drive.

Even though I wore hand-me-downs, ate leftovers and sub-prime cuts of meat, I had a great childhood. I can't imagine the stress my parents felt with four kids and no money.

Your kids are some of the happiest I've ever seen because you and your husband are amazing parents and role models for happiness.

Not Afraid To Use It said...

@mermaid: Frosting sounds really good right now. But forget the fork, I think I'd just use my fingers. :)

BTW--Do you realize that we are nearly neighbors?

@Jay: Thanks for saying so. I know so much of life is like this, that we do not always see what goes on behind the scenes. In this case I am not about disclosure. :)

@Two Fisted Editor: I remember my parents fretting about money when I was little, and how scared I always felt. Looking back, we were never lacking and always had plenty (if not too much) of everything. I really want to spare my kids that feeling. I want my kids to know that money should not be important, just as you said.

@Gypsy: Thanks for the hugs, woman. I think I need to bolt the hard hat to my head for a while.

@Buddha_Girl: Thanks for the kind words. That's all I want, for my kids to be happy and well-adjusted.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

When I see picture or videos that you post of LittleBird, what I see is a vibrant, loved child in front of the camera held by an adoring, nurturing mom who busts her hump creating a rich, fulfilling life for them. Don't knock yourself, hon - you are doing great!

Momma said...

Your kids are loved and happy (and very well-behaved!), but I know how you feel. We have had some very rough times, and we never said a word about how hard it had been until we realized our daughter thought we were rich and were going to hand her the world on a silver platter. She was a teenager by then. So we started cluing them in a bit.

Our son? He is a whiz at managing his money. He still buys himself some fun stuff like car audio equipment, but he has paid for his own car, insurance, all kinds of things.

Kids don't need to know until it becomes an important part of explaining why they won't get a Jag for a graduation present like Muffy. For now, you are doing a GREAT job.

Peace (and hugs) - D

K-Mom said...

I feel like cutting and pasting this blog post onto my own and just writing the word "Ditto."

Being a parent is the most terrifying thing I have ever attempted...that includes driving the Central Expressway in Dallas while applying mascara!

Sometimes I look at my daughter and I just want to cry for her sweet innocent heart and damage this world will ultimately do to it. Damn...that's depressing.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Yeah, girl. I know what you mean. It's stressful to be the one who decides their schedule, menu, LIVES! But? When they tell you they love you? It's worth it.

Chris in Happy Valley said...

Yeah, I'm with you on this one. Right now I'd be happy to be living from paycheck to paycheck rather than off savings. But, the cool thing is that we CAN decide that it's going to be a good day even if everything is stacked against it.

Hey, do you know the Cake version of "I Will Survive"? Let me know and if not I'll send it to you next time I have some bandwidth.