Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Rental Hell, Episode III: Attack of the Bugs

For those of you following my adventures in Rental House Hell, you are in for a treat.

Let's start with The Good.

Remember that bathroom? The one someone so charmingly named Mental Hospital Green? I'll bet you never thought we could do it, but we have managed to make it funky. And not just from the smell.

Check out our new shower curtain! Hell yeah, baby! It is an exact match. I would paint the walls beige to match the bubbles if our psycho crazy landlady wouldn't shit herself.

Onto The Bad.

Spring has arrived. Bird are cheeping, squirrels are chittering, and fuckloads of flying ants are swarming.

In my kitchen, no less.

They are in the AC duct. So far they have limited themselves to the kitchen area, and I am praying they don't migrate to other areas of the house.

Now for The Ugly.

I came in from the patio yesterday. Thankfully, the kiddos were outside because this nasty fucker was sitting in the middle of my floor. Not hanging out in a dark corner or minding his own nevermind in a window. In the middle of my god-damned dining area.

I will not go into the Tarantella freak-out of a dance I performed trying to find something big enough to smash his hairy ass into my carpet.

I don't think I have to tell you I have been itching ever since.


Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

OK, I am sympathetically and compulsively constantly brushing off the calves of my pants as we speak(what was that?) - this is beyond heeby-jeeby. Spiders have no place indoors. Barns and caves, yes. Houses no. Or at least they could have the courtesy to show up when everyone's asleep.

More curious to me is the picture - what be the plastic (did you trap it under a bowl like I do?) and the coin to denote the size? Is that a dime or a silver dollar?

By the dubs, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the shower curtain! From operation room to spa room with one little piece of material.

Betsey Booms said...

Gah, I'm freaking out just looking at that!

Love the shower curtain though.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

@BvB: Everytime I look at the spider photo my skin just crawls. It is actually in a tennis ball container. I smashed him with a diaper box, let him lay fallow for a bit, then scooped him up to save him for Hubbie to look at. As he dried out, he shriveled quite a bit. I wish I could have measured him before I pounded the literal shit out if him. He didn't exactly want to stand still for THAT, however.

The coin is an American quarter, but I swear to god he was the size of a fifty-cent piece (at least) before I ground him into tiny little bits.

@Betsey Booms: Glad to see ya hon! I knew you'd like that curtain. It seems right up your alley! LOL

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Seriously? OMFG I would have freaked!

Ty-man's cousin Beth lived in NM for a few years and lived out in the boonies, no less. She once found a tarantula on the property. She picked it up with a shovel and threw it over the fence. It make a "thunk" noise. Oh, hell to the no, I don't think so!

Kellie said...

Oh for the love of Hell. I am now frantically brushing myself off. I will NEVER bitch about my ant issue again. We seem to get an invasion this time of the year in the two bathrooms. Annoying? Yes. But, nothing a 1/2 can of Raid doesn't fix. If I had to deal with THOSE ants? Hell no. I'd be staying in a hotel.

I won't even say anything about that nasty ass spider. I'd have had a heart attack right there.

You're a better person than I.

Gypsy said...


jayna said...

Okay now, all of a sudden I'm okay with our roaches and regular sized spiders. Fly ants AND tarantulas? What kind of wilderness do you live in?!

Jay said...

But ... what IS it? Hard to tell owing to the new shape you mashed him into! Spider, huh? Yeah, but what sort? Inquiring minds ... LOL!

Red flying ants? Do they bite? I draw the line at insects that bite. Hence I'd want to know what sort of spider that was.

.:| Melissa |:. said...


hmmm, that must be that same dance I did, that time when I saw that damn water/palmetto/wood bug that nearly crawled across my hand, (or maybe it did? - I dunno, I FREAKED) when I was putting sliver ware away, and hubbhy laughed at me, hysterically!! (asshole!) STILL gives me the heebee jeebee's just thinking about it!!

I had a baby tarantula in my house once, on the kitchen floor! Thank God for 4 year old little boys!! Had a blue belly lizard on there once too! Again, thank God for 4 year old little boys!!

.:| Melissa |:. said...

Oh yea, got all pre-occupied with the bugs n shit ....

Love the new shower curtain!!

Molly's Mom said...

Ew Ew EWWWWW. Get thyself one of those bug vacuums with the long handle...it shocks and kills the f-ers. This is why I live in Michigan--no really huge awful weather or bugs.

I take it you're not a camping type of gal. Neither am I FOR THOSE PICTURED REASONS.

Momma said...

GEEZ LOUISE!!!!! That is one ugly friggin' bug! And ANTS, too??? What did you do in your previous life to deserve all of this along with a turquoise bathtub??

Girl...I don't think you'll freak out at the clutter or occasional dust bunny flying by in my house. So come on over and have some tea.

In a guaranteed bug free zone.

Peace - D

K-Mom said...

The only good spider is a dead spider...thank you for helping to rid the world of the little eight-legged Satans!

Not Afraid To Use It said...

@CMGD: I actually thought it was a tarantula at first, but I don't think it was. I wouldn't have killed it, otherwise.

@Kellie: I wish Raid would do it. But between the kids and the cats and in such a public area I don't want to risk spraying.

@Gypsy: I couldn't have said it better myself.

@Jayna: The Wild Wild DC suburbs LOL

@Jay: I looked it up. It looked exactly like some of the photos of a Brown Recluse that I saw online, but everyone around here insists they do not grow so large. My neighbor suggested a Wolf Spider, but it did not look like any of the photos I saw. I call him Dead Spider, and for now that suffices. :)

@Melissa: My husband would walk with a limp if he ever laughed at me at such a moment.

@Molly's Mom: Adding that miracle device to my list RIGHT NOW.

@Momma: Tea at your place sounds amazing right now.

Michael said...

I hate spiders.

As far as the ants go, I think those are termites, not ants. One thing to try to get rid of bugs, boric acid. You can get it at a hardware store and then simply put the powder in behind the power plates, under the cabinets, basically any out of the way place. The powder is so fine that it gets in the joints of the insects and literally causes their legs to fall off.

Good luck.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

@K-Mom: I really don't mind spiders if they are outside. But in my house--all bets are off.

@Michael: Who are you and how did you get into my brain? My Hubbie pulled back the carpeting last night because more were coming out on the other side of the vent and made a comment about seeing several "albino" ones. I told him that sounded like termites, but I did not know if termites had wings.

Now, after you made this comment we just looked up photos online, and I think you are right, man. Holy fuck, what are we going to do. It's not my house, but I don't want this to be a daily occurrence, ya know?

Chris in Happy Valley said...

God, aren't rental houses fucking great? We're just coming to terms with all of the little quirks of ours. Fortunately none of our quirks have six or eight legs. Yet. Knocking on wood. Knocking on wood!

Jay said...

NOOOO!!! Mutant Brown Recluse?!?!?

RUUUUUUN!!! For the HILLS!!!!

Yeah, I might be in the UK, but I have US friends who've been bitten by those things. YIKES!

buddha_girl said...


Your husband will have to live in weekly housing paid for by his employer.

You and the Littles will have to come down here and live in my house. I have room. I have a playmate for your Littles. I have a dog who puts up with toddlers yanking his tail and jumping on him.

Move. Now.

I FUCKING HATE SPIDERS. I've almost wrecked cars when I've seen one nearby.

CPA Mom said...

This? Would not make me itch. This? would make me vomit and run SCREAMING from the house.

Major Bedhead said...

Head. Itchy. Skin. Crawling.

Dood. What the hell IS that thing? A spider??? Because, gaaaaaaaaah!

But the shower curtain is fab.

The Van Goat Ranch said...

The whole rental house hell thing is sort of taking me back to my duplex disaster after my husband and I separated. This thing was a two br one bath shithole that the guy knocked off like a hundred bucks off the deposit if I would agree to clean it. Fuck a duck in the butt with a hammer!!!! It was awful. And then there were the roaches because the people that lived there before were so dag nasty. The proverbial straw was the rodent nightlife. yes we were living in the Studio 54 for vermin! These friggin rats were trying to bust through the base board under the dishwasher. It was at this point that I said FTS!!! Now I live on an ant colony. You and me baby - we are livin tha dream!!!!! But at least you're living it in a really bitchin cool place!!!!!!!!