Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The Perv Uncle

Don't we all have one?

The one relative that gives us the heebie jeebies? The one that we would never. ever. under any circumstance leave our children with? Or get drunk with?

My dad's brother falls into this category for me. Over the years, my suspicion of him has grown. There is something very creepy about him.

He is an asshole.

He is a chauvinist.

I get bad, bad vibes from him. I have for ages.

It is amazing if you listen to that inner voice what you will hear. Call it your intuition, call it your guardian angel. Just listen.

I noticed as a teenager he would try to kiss me on the mouth when he said goodbye.

When he heard I was going to Croatia, he told me I was going to be raped and kidnapped. That I needed to buy a knife and keep it with me at all times.

He beat the shit out of his cousin at my grandmother's 80th birthday party celebration. Neither he nor his cousin could remember what had happened the night before. Thank god my grandmother never found out.

I believe he is involved in nefarious activities of a felonious nature.

He keeps me from speaking to my beloved grandmother.

I hate him for it.

She is living with him now. She is practically deaf with her hearing aids in, and he often answers the phone and will not let me speak with her.

Today was case in point. I wanted to know if she'd received the photos I sent of the family. He trapped me in a pointless conversation for a good twenty minutes lecturing me how I shouldn't lock my kids in the house that they were of hearty Viking stock. Hadn't I ever seen the pictures of the Viking ships? That they needed to be outside.

All this after I mentioned LittleMan having a fever and that we "stayed close to home" this afternoon.

Sorry dude. If my 20 month-old has a 102.4 degree fever and the temperature is in the 50s he is not going out in the yard. Period.

And yes, you worthless motherfucker. For your information they are called drakskepp. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.


Momma said...

Yeah, I had a couple of those uncles, believe it or not, but they never messed with me. I think they knew that if they came anywhere me my dad would kill them. But one of those perv uncles called our house one time when my oldest sister (11 yrs older than me) was home alone. I guess he knew that she was. He tried to disguise his voice a little and asked her what kind of panties she had on. She said, "Uncle Bill? Why are you asking me that?" And he hung up and rarely ever spoke to her again. No loss.

I didn't know about that until last year when she finally told me. It freaked me out. I mean, most of my uncles gave me the creeps, but I wouldn't have thought it of Uncle Bill.

I know what would happen to your uncle if he came within 100 yards of your kids. Felonious activities indeed!

Peace - D

buddha_girl said...

May I please come visit you soon?

May I please ask to go visit your grandmother while there?

Would you please ask your glorious husband to take the kids so you can allow me to VISIT with your uncle?

I would like to introduce him to my fist. In the side of his head. And likely in his groin area.


My grandfather molested me. My uncles never believed me. I hope they rot in hell together. People like them and your uncle should be staked to a tree and left for dead.

Gypsy said...

He skeeves me out just from your description. Blech.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

Let my clarify by saying that he never tried anything with me. The whole mouth kiss thing pissed me off all the more because I could tell from his eyes that he KNEW it irked me, and that is the kind of thing in which he relishes: making people uncomfortable. I personally believe he has a mean streak a mile deep. I think he has a huge capacity for cruelty. I do not know for certain his capacity at sexual inappropriate, but I do know that they psychological damage he could inflict upon my children would be irreversible.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

@Momma: I LOVE that your sister called him out on it. And thank god he never messed with you.

@Buddha_Girl: I am sorry your uncles never believed your story. The sad thing is that my grandmother thinks the sun shines out of my uncle's ass. It would devastate her to see him as he truly is. Which is why I think she can't.

@gypsy: Blech is right.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Ish. I think I might have to beat the crap out of him.

None of my relatives give me the willies. Although I couldn't stand being around my father's brother, Romie, because he always belittled his wife. Around everyone. It was horrible.

Roger said...

Wow what a creep!

Thank you for visiting Idaho Daily Photo!

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

My perv "uncle" was one of my dad's friends and co-workers. We were at a convention once, and upon meeting them in the hallway of the hotel, he took a look at me (in front of everyone), pinched the area between my ribs and my boob (lingering over the boob) and proclaimed "You're really filling out!" I think I was around 12 at the time. And no one did anything or said anything. When I mentioned it again later when it was just me and my parents, they looked at me as if I had two heads.

That guy was one of those socially charming a-holes that everyone loves in public but you'd never want to be alone in a house with.

Worker Mommy said...

Ewww...nasty...on so many levels.

My perv uncle has mellowed significantly now that he is a grandfather...but I'm still just a tad leery of him.

K-Mom said...

Is there a full moon or something? We're dealing with a crazy relative over here too.

I'm visiting my in-laws right now and my MIL's cousin called today and ripped her a new one because a year ago she called from jail and wanted us to post her bail. She tried to fake her own death and frame her ex-boyfriend for it.

We couldn't do it because they require a resident of the county to post the bail, and we live in another state. Well, here we are, a year later and out of the blue she's calling and wants to throw down over the whole thing.

Apparently, it got back to her that I said she was a psychopath...but I want it to be clear, I NEVER said she was a psychopath...I said she was sociopath. Big difference.

Oh well, without the crazy relatives, what would we blog about?

dawn224 said...

hey... can we hook him up with my dad's girlfriend... oh they would be SUCH a match!

Vulgar Wizard said...

I think my boss is your uncle. Seriously.