This Weekend, Drinks Are On Me

Ladies and gentlemen, after the absolute shite day I have had, drinks are on me.

Note: If you put your cursor over the link, you can read the ingredients of each drink without actually having to go off-site.**

We start with an Old Crusty in honor of LittleBird waking up with her eyes crusted over and handing me her eye boogers.

Next, the Dumbfuck for LittleBird's teacher giving me a lecture about sunblock, its application, and their legal standpoint on the issue.

Adding injury to insult, our bartender serves a Silver Spider in honor of the nasty, mean-looking spider on my stroller that jumped out of the tray and down onto LittleMan's jacket. Then down in his seat. We drink to the sharp and jagged death he suffered at my hands.

Then we come to the Teacher's Pet, for the phone call I got from the school stating that everyone is convinced that LittleBird has pink eye, and that I need to come and get her.

Feeling this popular with the school staff only naturally leads to a Buttfuck for the $25 additional fee the doctor's office wanted to charge me for being a walk-in. An extra round for the receptionist fully admitting that if I walked outside into the hallway and called from my cell phone that would be considered "making an appointment."

You can take a 30 minute breather until you get served a Damn Right for calling the school to tell them it wasn't pink eye, fuck you very much.

Don't let your ego get the best of you because here comes an Old Lady paired with a Shut The Hell Up dedicated to the cranky old bitch at the CVS that yelled at me, telling me I was a terrible parent for feeding my kids potato chips while sitting on the floor. I hope they got your dosage wrong, bitch.

No chance to recoup--time for the kick me while I'm down Million Dollar Cocktail for the pharmaceutical company charging me $70 for the We-Do-Not-Make-This-In-Generic eye drops for LittleBird.

Time for a bite to eat to help balance out this liquor? Nope! Next you get served A Chicken Drop for the first and only bite of chicken nugget LittleMan took, spat onto my chest after chewing it up, and then refusing all other food.

On a softer note, our next round involves Sweet Dreams paired with a Green Eyes because LittleBird actually fell asleep after I administered her eye drops.

Don't think you get to rest too long because next it is time to stagger across the floor for a Fiery Kiss. We get to drink this one for my doing the kiss test on LittleMan's forehead only to come to the realization that he had woken up with 103.8 fever.

You get to stand on the bar and cheer for a Homecoming and can I get an Alleluia because Hubbie came home from work, and it's Friday thank fucking god.

Then, we need a Grocery Boy in honor of the sweet little teen-aged Lebanese cashier who took my money and made me smile when I bought LittleMan's fever medicine.

We top off the night with a Sicilian Kiss for the Sicilian CPK pizza we cooked.

For dessert? A Detroit Red Wing in honor of the Red Wings vs. Predators game Hubbie watched while I blogged.

Last but not least, for your aching heads and my sleep-crazed daughter, a Lay Down and Shut Up!

**On a more serious note, it took me fucking ages to get the rollover coding right for this post. So go back, look at all the ingredients, and have yourself a drink on me. Even if you don't, lie to me and tell me you did.

Biggest Load of Shit I've Ever Wasted Time On

I found this Cuss-O-Meter on another website, and thought it would be fun to try.

My rating? 0%

What a crock of shit. I ought to get a rating of at least 20% based on my header alone.

April Fools Day to me for being so stupid as to even do something like this.

TH13: 13 Freaky Things About Me

Here are 13 things that make me the freaky bitch I am! LOL

1. When I crack an egg, I have to scoop out the chicken fetus before I cook it.


2. I have to rinse out my drinking glasses before I put liquid in it.


3. I have to keep my fingernails SHORT or they bug the hell out of me.


4. I always have to shampoo my hair two times.


5. I cannot put a toothpick or anything else wooden in my mouth. It makes my teeth hurt.


6. I always put my right contact lens in, followed by my left. I always remove them in the same order.


7. I very very rarely eat the crust on my bread. I usually peel it off, even at the the ripe old age of 33.


8. When I empty the dishwasher, I always start with the silverware.


9. I never, ever dog-ear my novels.


10. When getting on an escalator, I have to step onto it with my right foot.


11. If I can, I sit cross-legged at all times. I will usually request a booth at a restaurant not only to corral the kids, but so that I can kick off my shoes and sit cross-legged.


12. If you do not have real sugar in your house, I won't have any coffee.


13. I have to have the blankets tucked in to the bottom of my mattress. If my feet are not covered, I cannot sleep.

After reading this list, I hope you aren't afraid to come back and read my blog. LOL

For more Thursday 13, click here.

Have Yourself a Fast Food Breakfast

I have never been a fan of the egg-on-the-go sandwiches. But man oh man, do I have a recipe for those of you who do.

What better than to be able to make one of these at home with the kids screaming in the living room instead of screaming in your backseat? The recipe looks weird, but we have tried and tested it and it WORKS. If you don't mind sticking your face in front of the microwave while it is cooking it is pretty cool to watch.

You will need:

• 1 English muffin, split
• 1 large egg
• 2 strips of bacon (already cooked)
• 1 slice of cheese

- Place English muffin bottom on a microwavable plate.

- Crack egg carefully onto muffin (meaning don't let it slop onto the plate people).

- Heat on high for 40 seconds (also very important, 40 seconds means 40 seconds, not 45).

- Open microwave place bacon strips and cheese on muffin bottom. Place muffin top on top of cheese.

- Microwave on high for 30 seconds or until egg white is completely set and yolk is thickened around the edges.

Folks, this recipe is so cool. You can actually see the egg rise up and fluff itself out of the muffin. Lazarus, rise up and walk!!! LOL

So if you have a hankering for a fast food breakfast but don't want to spend the effort getting in the car (or you want to know that the food is actually food and not some weird processed concoction), try this recipe and let me know what you think!

TH13: Blue Eyes, Baby!!

Probably completely worthless, but here are 13 songs referencing blue eyes...

You Could Be My Josephine, by Magnetic Fields
Look into my soft blue eyes
run your fingers through my hair

Party Doll, by Buddy Knox.
She had long hair and eyes of blue
Baby I wanna have a party with you

Father Figure, by George Michael
Just to see my baby's blue eyes shine

Why Don't You Love Me Like You Used To Do, by Hank Williams
My hair's still curly and my eyes are still blue
so why don't you love me like you used to do

Lightening Crashes, by Live
The angel opens her eyes, pale blue colored iris

Pale Blue Eyes, by Velvet Underground
Linger on, your pale blue eyes

The Sweetest Thing, by U2
A blue-eyed boy meets a brown-eyed girl

Your Song, by Elton John
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

Your Wildest Dreams, by the Moody Blues
I remember skies reflected in your eyes

Five Foot Two Eyes of Blue, by Robert Henderson
Five foot two, eyes of blue
But oh what those five feet could do

Fly Into Love, by Charly McClain
Your blue eyes are my blue skies

Blue Eyes Crying In the Rain, by Willie Nelson
And through the ages I'll remember
Blue eyes crying in the rain

I Was Brought To My Senses, by Sting
It's written in a sky as blue
As blue as your eyes
As blue as your eyes



Check out more creativity at Thursday 13.

Too Good To Be Legal

This post is nothing but a bunch of links to products that are so addictively delicious they ought not be legal. I have tasted them all, and I think everyone should try them just once. So if your hubbie needs an idea for a Christmas or birthday gift for you, tell him to start here! I will update this post as I come across other yummy things.


Bellagio Sipping Chocolate
This sipping chocolate is just amazing. I found a stash of it hidden away in my parent's cupboard. It is coming with me to my house.




Bavarian Chocolate Coffee
I tried their Belgian Chocolate Coffee, and it was to die for. That one is no longer offered on the website, but I can only imagine their Bavarian is equally good.



Old Town 3 in 1 Hazelnut Coffee
If you like Hazelnut coffee you have not lived until you have had this Malyasian white coffee. It is instant hazelnut coffee that already has the cream and sugar in it. One of our Malaysian students gave us a packet of these sachets, and I swear it was like an orgasm in a mug.






New England Coffee Blueberry Cobbler
One would not think that blueberry flavored coffee would taste good. Think again. This stuff is good. Unusual, but good. If you have a blueberry fanatic in your family, this might be a good gift.





Burdick Chocolates
This chocolate is amazing. If you want to give a really cool gift, this wooden box will make anyone feel special. The first time I got one, I totally felt like a celebrity. LOL

100 Things About Me

In honor of my 100th post, here are the 100 things that make me who I am. Who knew it would be so hard to come up with interesting things?

1. I am totally a cat person.


2. I am an expert at cutting cat claws.
   


3. I try to like dogs, but their owners are usually the turnoff.


4. I am married to a Swedish guy.


5. I tell people I chose a great lifepartner, but I secretly still cannot believe how lucky I was that he chose me.


6. I travelled to Croatia to meet and visit with "long-lost cousins" on the family tree. Neither of whom I had ever met or seen a picture of.


7. I stayed in their houses with them. By myself.


8. I have my MS in Linguistics. I dare anyone to contradict me about raising my children in a bilingual household.


9. I name LittleBird after my best friend.


10. Now we are kind of on the outs even though she doesn't really know it.


11. My absolute favorite floral scent is lilac. It will literally stop me in my tracks when I smell it.


12. I am terribly judgmental when it comes to things I consider cultural or educational givens. If you do not know what VENI VIDI VICI means or who said it, I will privately think you are a total moron and respect you less for it.


13. That being said, I am horrified by how much of a brainsuck my children have been. I hope I will start to remember all the facts and figures I used to know, but I am afraid they permanently killed those brain cells.


14. My first car was a Cimarron. I still love that car.


15. I have endometriosis. If you ask me the story, you are in for a good 15-20 minute monologue, so make sure you really want to know before you ask.


16. I went through a phase as a pre-teen/teenager where my hair became so curly I could not brush it. Now it is straight again. Go figure.


17. In the fifth grade I wanted to be an astronaut. People told me I couldn't be an astronaut because I was a girl.


18. I wanted to be a marine biologist when I went to college. A 42 on my first university calculus test made me re-evaluate my goals.


19. I took the super-hard courses in high school: Pre-Cal and Anyalsis instead of Senior Math. I took things like Physics, Chemistry, AP English. Now I wish I had been more social and studied less. What the hell was I thinking?


20. I want to learn Russian.


21. I speak some Swedish, but I think I suck at it.


22. My in-laws underestimate how much I do understand, and I have caught my MIL in lies.


23. I grew up in the Mojave desert, and I am still a dry heat kind of girl.


24. I still think seeing a Joshua Tree at sunset is one of the most beautiful sights on earth.


25. I love the smell of rain, and will walk in a rain storm if I can.
    


26. I currently live more than a mile above sea level.


27. That means I am a legitimate member of the Mile High Club.


28. My favorite author as a child was Piers Anthony. His books fundamentally changed the way I looked at the world.


29. My favorite author is Howard Pyle. His two works that take my breath away are Marooned and The Mermaid. The size online does not do them justice.
    


30. Reeds that grow in lakes absolutely terrify me.


31. As a child, I thought I was going to drown while swimming in a lake near a patch of them. I managed to make it to the surface, and no one had realized I was in trouble. I think that is what did it.


32. One of my favorite poems is by Stevie Smith, Not Waving But Drowning. Not related to #29, obviously. But the first time I read this poem as a teenager it hit me like a fist in the stomach.
    


33. My sister and I are not friends. It is something I truly regret, but do not know how to fix.


34. We went to the Dominican Republic for our honeymoon.


35. I have to make my sandwiches in a certain order.
    


36. My favorite dessert is a hot, fudgy brownie topped with cherry pie filling and vanilla ice cream.


37. My favorite food is Mexican.


38. I don't have a favorite holiday anymore. It used to be Halloween, but I am currently between holidays.


39. I went to parochial school for 10 years


40. I believe uniforms for kids are excellent


41. I had a friend who died of Cystic Fibrosis when I was in the 8th grade.


42. I worked at the 1996 Atlanta Olympics. And I got paid for it.


43. I was a bag handler for a major airline one summer.


44. I am lucky I didn't lose a finger, and I will never let my daughter do something like that.


45. My dad still thinks that is the best job I ever had.


46. I have taught both high school and college courses.


47. I don't have any friends left from high school or college.


48. I once flew jump seat from Stockholm to Paris.
    


49. I used to sleep over at my Gramma's house and we would watch Alien together.


50. Her mind has slipped a lot in the last few years. I miss the Gramma that was my best friend.
    


51. I smoked my first cigarette with my Gramma when I was in my twenties.


52. I got buzzed for the first time with my great uncle at her house.


53. I still have dreams that I am in college and I either have a test I haven't studied for, or I am enrolled in a class that I did not know I was enrolled in and now I am failing it.


54. I once flew to D.C. for the day to have lunch, went the Smithsonian for the afternoon then flew home that night.


55. I had a successful VBAC. And yes, I think that makes me a badass.


56. I did my VBAC without an epidural, and now part of me wonders what the fuck I was thinking.
    


57. I was huge into the swing dance movement in the late 90's. I would go to class with huge bruises on the backs of my knees and arms from all the flips. My students thought I was nuts.


58. I think Bryan Adams has written some of the most amazing lyrics.
59. I love love love to cook.


60. My children will grow up to love some version of Star Trek. I want them to learn to dream big.


61. I was big into genealogy before I had kids.


62. I wear glasses/contacts.


63. I can play guitar.


64. My oldest girlfriend from the first grade came to my son's baptism and sang.


65. My husband is my best friend.


66. I started dancing at 3 years old and danced through my first year of college.
    


67. I learned to drink both coffee and tea for cultural reasons.


68. I am a night person.


69. I was a Who's Who for my university


70. I love to go barefoot


71. I am ashamed of how my feet look


72. I rode on the equestrian team for my university


73. I got my undergrad in History.


74. I would take a history class every semester for the rest of my life if I could.


75. My final exam for History of the Roman Empire was one of the most stressful and difficult things I have ever done.
    


76. I think I am one of the most dedicated, creative and kickass high school history teachers out there.


77. Which is why I cannot go back and teach while my kids are young.


78. Two of my favorite films are Seven Brides For Seven Brothers and Calamity Jane (with Doris Day).
    


79. If I have to exercise, I prefer to swim.


80. My taste in music could be described as eclectic (or the musical library of a madwoman).


81. I have had four abdominal surgeries, including my c-section.


82. I can never have a manicure or have my nails painted.


83. I have always wanted to get my tongue pierced, but never had the balls to do it.


84. I do not have any tattoos, but both of my cats do.


85. I want hubbie to get a piercing, but he won't.


86. I worked as a pharmacy tech.


87. I once filled a Rx for a man with leprosy.


88. I swear like a sailor, and I love it.


89. I am a stay at home mom, for now.


90. My husband works a mile away from our home.


91. I wrote for one of my college newspapers for a while.


92. I love to tell nasty jokes. The nastier the better.


93. I cannot hold my liquor, so I rarely drink.


94. I do not drink anything carbonated.


95. I got my first and only speeding ticket on my dad's 50th birthday.


96. I was in two musical productions for our city: Paint Your Wagon and The Desert Song. And I can't sing for shit.
    


97. I hate country music, but I love Hank Sr.


98. I had braces in high school, and I still wear my retainers at night.


99. I am afraid of clowns. I think they are evil motherfuckers and want them to stay the hell away from me.


100. I have an emotional and psychological aversion to macaroni and cheese.

That is my Top 100! Whew! Thanks for sticking with me!

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