Happy Birthday To Me

I get that having a baby is a lot about the mom. The chick either pushed or had sawed out of an orifice something the size of a watermelon. However, by the time the kids turns one there ought to be some focus on the child and less on the miracle of motherhood.

I have often given friends a congratulatory card on their child's first birthday that they "made it". No one died or suffered grievous bodily harm (and if you think I'm being flippant you haven't had those terrifying nights up with an infant who may or not be able to breathe). Passing that 12-month marker is huge; however, the focus and attention at a one year-old birthday party should be on the child or whatever topic of conversation the adults choose. It is not a mother-of-the-year ass-kissing party.

Apparently my sister never got the memo. My darling nephew turned one this month, and per family request I yanked my kids out of school and sports and flew the several hundred miles to attend the party. I did it for my daughter who adores her cousins and rarely gets to see them. I did it for my nephew even though he will never remember who was in attendance. I went even though people thought I was crazy to go that far for a one year-old.

My sister was a monstrous bitch the entire trip. Sitting like a queen in her chair, pointing and tell people what to do and how to do it better. I kept my mouth shut and chanted for the family, for the family but it chapped my ass that she refused to make eye contact with me. It was a slap in the face that she never thanked us for coming or told us it was good to see us. I still don't quite know what particular bug was up her ass that day, but needless to say I am back at my house safe and sound and very glad of it. I didn't expect her to fall over herself with gratitude for our presence, but a little common decency would have gone a long way.

I'm not being overly harsh here as someone else threw the party for her and cooked all the food to boot. All she had to do was show up. I don't know what she wanted from all of us, but she did her damnedest to turn a joyous occasion into a personal pity fest for herself. My kids didn't notice, and that's all I care about. Well, not really, but it sounds more enlightened that way.

The Cost of the Wow Factor

Some of us are easy to please. My neighbor? Not so much.

They are having their kitchen renovated. The existing floor plan was not a very good use of space and was fifty years old. There was no pantry, and the place just did not function well. I would say they are spending between $20,000-$30,000 to have their entire kitchen ripped out and redone. In their eyes, small beans compared to what they could have paid. They did not want to go gourmet, just an updated and functional kitchen. This process is supposed to take about three weeks, and for the past week and a half they have been living with no kitchen at all.

When I spoke to my neighbor over the weekend, I learned that the cabinets had been installed.

Me: Oh my god! That is awesome! Did you just walk into the kitchen and go "Ahhhhhh!" (that is my blog translation of angels singing).

NeighborChick: Eh. (shrugs shoulders). Not so much.

Me: Seriously? Don't the cabinets look fabulous? Do you not want to weep for joy when you see how the new kitchen is turning out?

NeighborChick: Nah. I mean, the cabinets are okay. I don't know if we'd spent $50,000 on the kitchen that I'd hear angels singing.

Me: Well, I am going to come over when the kitchen is done, and I am going to weep for joy when I see how great it looks.

I am utterly confused by this entire dialogue. You are going to spend that kind of money on a major upgrade to your house and not feel the teeniest bit of excitement? Not even a thank god it's nearly done smile?

Hubbie and I talked about it this weekend. Our kitchen is very small. We could get it redone in a decent fashion at IKEA for under $2,000. I would turn cartwheels if we were not renting and in a position to turn a non-functional space into something workable.

What about you? If you and your better half dropped 30K on a project, would you expect them to be excited about it? What is the price of your wow factor?

The Playground Bouncer

I owe Coalminer Heather an apology and a hearing exam.

I took my kids to the playground today. I needed to get them out of the house. I needed to get out of the house.

While they galloped around me in the crisp autumn air, I gave Coalminer Heather a ring to catch up on loads of girlie talk.

The conversation went well until I shrieked in her ear.

Three fucking little brats had come storming into the toddler play area (which is gated-off, no less) and one of the boys had hoisted up the sand table and was about to dump all of the sand into the mulch.

Now, this playground is the playground where my kids attend school. Their tuition pays for this equipment, including the über-expensive sandbox sand they have delivered.

So when Fuckwad #1 lifted the sand table and tried to upend it, I shrieked HEY!! THAT IS A SAND AND WATER TABLE! YOU DO NOT DUMP THAT SAND ON THE GROUND!!

And I totally had the mom-finger pointing at him.

The kid stopped and looked at me.

On my Bluetooth? CMGD egging me on: You GO girl!! Tell him!!

She heard the entire exchange with the kid and got to hear me rant how the mother was on the other side of the playground and didn't do a damned thing.

So, Heather, I apologize for shrieking in your ear and making you listen to me rip that little fucker a new one.

There were several lessons learned this afternoon.

LittleBird learned that big kids make bad choices. She learned that moms make bad choices. When Hubbie came home she told him That boy's mamma made a bad choice and she should have told him "you get outta here!"

Fuckwad Brothers and their friend learned that I am going to call them on their shit.

I learned that Mamma Bear will snap out in a split second. Don't fuck with NATUI. Don't fuck with the NATUI kids. Don't fuck with the playground that I pay for.

What did Coalminer Heather learn? I'll leave that to her to relay.

Conversation Killer 101

I got a phone call from my former BFF yesterday. I took it because I hadn't spoken to her since before our trip, not because I actually felt like speaking to her.

The irony of the situation being that when I woke up yesterday morning I thought to myself I really need to call Former BFF because I know I will catch hell if I don't.

So when the phone rang, I answered it. She said Hey woman! How are you? Haven't heard from you in a long time (or whatever shit she usually says in an attempt to let me know I haven't called within her allotted time frame).

I said Hey woman! Your ears must have been burning because just this morning I told myself I needed to call you this afternoon!

Her response? No. My ears weren't burning. I called you because we hadn't talked in a long time.

Crickets chirped on my end.

This coming from the friend with whom I used to joke about having a psychic connection when calling her on the phone.

I nearly hung up right then and there.

Now, I'm not the most socially acceptable person, but for fucks sake I know better than that.

Moron Monday: Cat? What Cat?

Had a friend over for a playdate today with her kids. I was in and out of the house getting snacks, drinks, diapers. The works.

I sit down for a breather, and LittleBird shrieks Look Mamma! A kitty!

I look along our back fence line. Oh yeah! I say, That is a kitty!

Squint the eyes, then widen them in horror.

Wait a minute. That's our cat!!!

I jump up and book it barefoot across our backyard. My fucker of a cat slips between the fences and into our neighbor's yard. No amount of coaxing, muttered threats or swearing will get her to come near me.

I walk back across the lawn to where my friend is sitting. Isn't your cat allowed outside? she asked.

Um, no. They don't go out. Ever.

Oh, she said. LittleMan has been pointing at the cat walking around the yard while you were in the house and saying Kitty! Kitty!

Seriously? Don't you think that might have been pertinent information to tell me when I came back outside? The fact that my almost two year old can figure out something is wrong, but you don't seem to have a clue?

Moron. Total fucking moron.

She's still my friend. We'll still have playdates. But what a dumbass. Seriously.

Playdate. Mandate. Everywhere a Date Date.

For two Mondays in a row I have had a playdate. With my friend's husband.

Climb out of the gutter you rapscallions. Not THAT kind of playdate. Though he is a good-looking guy. My girlfriend works M-F days, and her husband has Mondays off. So he came down to my parent's house today with his daughter so she and LittleBird could play together.

The kids had a blast, but that is not the point. The point is that I had a playdate with my friend's husband. She was cool with it. I was cool with it. Our respective hubbies were fine with it.

There are thousands of women out there gasping in horror at the very idea.

It's improper! It's indecent! You can't trust a woman to have regular social interactions with your husband!

I do not frequent mothering sites like I used to, but these are the fairly typical threads one would find. Can your husband be friends with a woman? Oh no! I won't let my husband have any female friends. Blah blah blah.

For fuckssake people. What is the point of being married if you don't trust your partner? Does that mean your spouse can't work with people of the opposite sex? There is temptation everywhere. Get over it.

All I know is that I would love for my husband to have a playdate with my kids and any one of my friends. The whole point is to socialize as a family. Hubbie comes with me to all birthday parties, school functions (when work allows) and all holiday parties. He is just as much a parent as I am. He has every right to be there. He has every right to participate. I feel this includes playdates. If someone wants to get the kids together, but I am not available why in the hell wouldn't he be welcome?

This is why I think most moms are assholes. I find it insulting as hell that there are these stupid moms out there who find a mom/husband playdate inappropriate. Thankfully, Hubbie agrees with me and does not question why I do not have more mom friends. Who needs the aggravation?

And You Named Your Kid That Because?

Here is a perfect example of why I don't want people in my real life to read this blog. I am about to bitch about a good friend of mine. She is a lovely person, and I love her dearly. But I had a WTF moment on the phone with her earlier this week. It would devastate her to know that she is the subject of a Stupid Moms post, but I just have to go there.

I was super excited for MusicMaven to get the Christmas present I sent her daughter. I love giving creative gifts, and I was especially proud of this one. They are kind of groovy family. They named their dear daughter after Bob Dylan. Middle name that is. Dylan is a popular name right now, but this was done (supposedly) out of a love for the man's music, not the "cool" factor that the name currently enjoys.

So I had a t-shirt made for her daughter. With her name on it, together with a very popular symbol of Bob Dylan's music. I waited on tenterhooks while the package made it's way through the postal system.

We happened to be on the phone when she got her mail. I was so excited!! She opened the package. There was the usual "Oh, isn't that cute" kind of commentary, but more of the general kind. I started to talk about specifically having the shirt made because of the whole music/Dylan thing. Then she said it.

Um. Okay. I am not really getting the Dylan reference here. What do you mean?

Oh. My. Fucking. God. I am not a Dylan fan myself, but here I found myself explaining to someone who named her kid after the man what the symbol on the t-shirt meant and how it was related to Dylan.

She spluttered a little bit. Oh yeah. Oh yeah! I understand. I guess I'm just tired and a little distracted today.

Liar.

I still love her dearly. She is still one of my closest friends. But what the fuck are you doing telling people you named your kid after someone when you are obviously not that big of a fan. That is like giving your kid the middle name "Buffett" and then not understanding when someone gives you a shirt with a parrot on it.

So please people, if you are going to name your kids or pets after some kind of cultural icon, know what the hell you are talking about.

Calling All IVF Experts

ETA: Anyone is welcome to comment on this post! LOL I guess I shouldn't have titled it the way I did--the topic revolves around IVF/fertility, but that doesn't mean I don't want to hear what you have to say about it! LOL

I need some feedback from those of you who have had IVF, or anyone who has gone through any infertility treatment. I tend to be overly critical, and well, bitchy when it comes to people I think are stupid. I need an objective point of view.

There is a mom in my mom's group. She took cl*mid in order to conceive her first child. She and her husband had had difficulty conceiving a second time. She is in her early forties. She just had two failed IUIs.

She has been talking about the possibility of doing IVF all summer and fall. Now that her IUIs have failed she is at a crossroads as to what to do.

I would be super sympathetic. Would be. Except every conversation I have with her regarding IVF involves her issue that "IVF makes you fat." What the fuck?

Um, PREGNANCY makes you fat, toots.

At our last playgroup she actually said to me, "Well, I've been talking with Other IVF Mom and I just don't know. It's expensive, it's a lot of work with the shots. It is very painful, and the medicine makes you fat." All said in her fabulous French accent.

Maybe it is just me, but isn't the desire for a child usually larger than the worry of gaining a few pounds? This woman is rail thin. She looks awesome--but to me it seems as if her priorities are way fucked up.

So is it just me being cynical and bitchy? When we were faced with infertility, I didn't give a damn about how much weight I gained or lost. It was all about starting a family. I like this lady a lot, but I am getting to the point I want to shake the shit out of her.

It's Your Own Bloody Fault!

This past week, a package was sent to me that did not get properly delivered. Sending Friend is in a tizzy because it has not arrived. Everyone else got theirs, but not us.

Eventually, after much wondering, I ask her to repeat where she shipped the package. She read the address back to me, and she had the apartment number off by one digit.

What? she asked me when I corrected her, I thought you said it was #21?

Are you seriously questioning me about my house number? Like I don't know where I fucking live? Idiot! (channel Ren and Stimpy here)

The bad part of this is that I am at the beginning of the building, so the number one digit off is at another building. The package delivery dude left it on the porch of this other apartment. One that is obviously empty and for sale. It is also visible from the main drag. We have yet to find the package on our end.

So day after day she is trying to get in touch with the delivery company and keeps asking me if it has turned up.

Does she think I wouldn't call, email, or SMS her the minute the damned thing showed up?

And to top it all off, the other night on the phone she lamented I should have just gone through the post office instead.

Um, no. You should have addressed the stupid thing right in the first place.

Not once have I heard her take any responsibility for not putting the right address on there. It has been everyone else's fault but hers. So PSA to everyone out there--take your list of addresses with you. And make sure they are correct. If you call someone in a panic from the counter, read the address back so that you are sure you have the right one. Otherwise, you will have someone blogging about you under the label Stupid Moms. LOL

Three Strike Friday

Some time ago I blogged about how I had been stood up for several playdates in the span of one day. Today, it happened again. Three stand-ups in one day.

I was supposed to have had a playdate for LittleMan this morning while his sister was in school. They called to cancel early this morning because they are sick. I totally understand how it is with babies, so that is no big deal.

My second blow-off came from my standard "friend" who pulls this shit on a regular basis. She called me earlier this week and asked if we could get our kids together. I did not set this up, it was her idea. I was going to bring my kids by her place since we pass her house on the way home from LittleBird's school. She called at 12.20 to say that she was still shopping in a town over an hour away. That she was running a little bit late, but that she would be at my house for the playdate.

First of all, the playdate was to have been at her house. Whatever.

Secondly, I called my hubbie to tell him the latest development. I told him my prediction was that there was no way she could go to Target with her kids, pick up what she needed for the airplane and her trip (yes, this is the same mom), and make it back here in the time frame she was talking about. I told him I thought she would call me to say her kids had fallen asleep in the car and that she would cancel/tell me to call her later.

Guess who got a phone call at 1.45? Man, did I call that one or what.

As my hubbie and I laughed about it on the phone (because I cannot take this seriously anymore) I thought to myself--hmmmmm. Last time this happened it was a three-strike deal. What was to befall us next?

And then it hit me. We were supposed to have been having dinner at another mom's house tonight. I talked to her about it at playgroup on Tuesday. She has not yet gotten back to me about it, and it is nearly 3 o'clock on Friday. So there is my third blow-off of the day. Yes, I could call her. But I asked her about the dinner. I am the one who suggested we get our families together. She is the one who offered to get together at her house and said that she would talk to her husband and get it set up. I feel like the ball is in her court, kwim?

So, once again it is Friday, and we do not have a damned thing to do. That is fine, though. Hubbie will be coming home, and we can kick back with a movie and a glass of wine. I love him to pieces, and he is the best company I could ask for. We can laugh about all these flaky moms, give each other a hug and know that we are not going to let it get to us.

Don't Just Stand There! Make Your Kid Share!!

You read about it in all the parenting magazines, and now I have witnessed it personally. The stupid ass mom who stands there and does nothing while you try and politely discipline her child.

Today was our playgroup at the playground. A visiting mom whose son was 3 1/2 chatted with us a bit while her son played on the equipment. This kid was a giant 3 1/2 year old. He looked the height and weight of a six year old, I kid you not.

LittleBird wanted to play on these little twisty foot pedal type dealies. This little boy was playing on it. I told my daughter that we had to wait our turn.

So she held my hand and we waited. And waited. The boy's mom was about ten feet away from us.

And we waited. LittleBird continued to hold my hand and look up at me periodically. Is it our turn yet?

I told her when he was finished, we could play on it. That everyone takes turns.

Little boy looked at us and kept playing. Mom ignored us.

We continued to wait. And wait.

The boy sat down on the pedals and started poking at the screws and spinning the pedal with his hand. Not playing with it, but refusing to get off of it, either. I asked him if he was done because we take turns at the playground and we have to share. He mumbled something and still refused to get off.

My daughter was being so patient, but I had had about enough. I told the little boy that we were going to share. That he could use one half and LittleBird could use the other half and that they could use it together.

Only then does the mother walk over. Hey! she says to her kid. It is her turn. We have to share.

Oh really!?!?! No fucking shit, lady! I have been trying to tell your kids that for ten minutes and only now do you come over here and intervene?

She makes her little boy get off, and he freaks out and literally throws a twenty minute crying fit.

Based on how her son reacted and her reluctance to come over, it was obvious that she was hoping LittleBird would give up and go and play on something else. She did not want to have to deal with her forcing her son to share.

I know it is hard for kids to share. And at different stages, it can be hard or super hard. But do not expect to get away with letting your kid hog the playground equipment just because you do not want to deal with his attitude.

For my first "oblivious mom" encounter, I think I fared pretty well.

Better Than A Daytime Soap

If this were on a soap opera, I swear I would roll my eyes and turn the channel due to bad writing:

On one of my mom boards, there is a mom who is dealing with custody/guardianship issues regarding her niece. She has opened her home to her and has been raising her. She would like to put the child on her insurance, but today she was ranting that her sister (the child's bio mom) did not want to give her guardianship over the niece. The sister would only grant guardianship to said mom's new husband. She is very frustrated and does not understand why her sister would act in such a spiteful way.

As I read her post and started to piece things together--this chick MARRIED her sister's EX-HUSBAND!!! Um, ya think THAT might be the reason she doesn't like you? I am not one to judge who falls in love with whom, but don't act surprised when your family doesn't approve of your "keeping it in the family."

Dumbass.

Dealing With More Than One Kid

I have two kids. Little Bird is 2 1/2 and Little Man is 11 months. They are my little angels, the bane of my existence and everything in between.

Our playgroup was at the lake today. There were only four moms there. Two of us have two, the other two moms only have one. One of the mom's asked in laughing exasperation, "How do you do it with two?" to the other mom with two.

"YOU DON'T," was her reply. And went on to litanize everything that had gone wrong that morning because her nanny was late meeting us.

Well, I "do it" every damned day. As nice as I think at times it would be to have a nanny, I think my friend has completely convinced herself that she cannot function without her. This mom is very hands on with her kids, but only one at a time. And I think I would feel the same if I were in her situation.

That was EXACTLY the reason when Little Bird was born that I did not want anyone coming to my house for the first week of her life. I knew that I had to get through the learning curve on my own. And in private. Once I got my shit together, then I was comfortable having people come over and "help". I can definitely see how having someone else do things for you would enable one into thinking that they could not function on their own.

Either way. As much sympathy as I felt for my friend, I really wanted to blurt out something rude. As in, "I do it every day." I did not want to appear judgmental of my friend, so I walked away and chased after my daughter who was headed straight for the water. As much as I would have loved to have sat down with these moms and debated the philosophical issues of "handling" more than one child, I was busy doing it. There is a time for talk and a time for action. With my toddler headed for the lake, there was no time for talk.

I Deserve a Beating

Seriously. I need someone to come and beat some sense into me. I know my girlfriend is flake. I know that when god handed out common sense and couth that she was absent that day. You would think I had learned my lesson in how unreliable she is, but apparently not. How many times do I have to fall for it?

The scenario: We have a conversation about how much formula costs at one of the bulk shopping stores. She is headed over to one where she has a membership and offers to pick some up for me.

Now, this is going to be a big help because we are an hours drive from the nearest shopping center, and it will save me tons of time, gas and headache with the kids. I tell her GREAT!! She says that if they do not have it at this particular bulk-selling-of-food-store that she will stop at a regular store to get some because she needs some, too. AWESOME!! I tell her. But can you call me to let me know if they have it or not because if they do not, I will need to go to the store and buy some because we are out.

Of course! she says.

Fast forward six hours later. It is 5pm, and I have not heard a word. Surely she must be home by now? I figure I can have my hubbie stop by her place on the way home from work. Poor Little Man is really thirsty, and while he has had other things to drink, I know he is looking forward to his "special drink."

So I give her a call. Only to be told that she hadn't bought any. At all.

What the fuck is wrong with you, lady? I told you to CALL ME if you were not going to stop and buy some. Her response, "Oh. You're out? You don't have any more?" Um. Yeah, dipshit. Hence the reason I needed you to pick it up for me.

So the whole afternoon of glowing thoughts of what a kickass friend she is and how I could totally believe in her this time were for naught.

I am so gullible. Maybe I learned my lesson this time. But probably not.

Flaky Moms

I got bailed on for the AI finale tonight. By two separate women. I am so sick of these flaky moms. Don't make plans with me and then break them because "I'm tired". Bullshit. My house is honestly a three minute drive away. I am maybe a mile away. (Note to self: clock it when I drive by tomorrow). We actually live on the same street. Especially when I know that the reason you are bailing is because your husband is an asshole and won't let you come. Just say so, for fucks sake.

I swear, if my dh came home tonight and said he was being transferred to another state I would not care right now. There are a lot of nice things about living here, but I want to be in a place where I have more of a choice in the "friend-pool". I know my dd would miss the friends she has met here, and that the grass is always greener, but I am so over this. Pardon the whiny tone of this post. I just needed to vent.

Drinking Moms

So, when do people learn when it is appropriate to drink and when it is not? Or how much?

I was never popular in high school because I thought people who drank until they puked were stupid. I did not want to waste my time with them. Same thing in college. I have no problem with partying, but there is a time and a place.

I went to a baby shower for a friend last week. It was an adult shower, so kids were not there. It was in the evening, and the wine was flowing. I have no problem with that at all. What I did have a problem with was at the end of the evening, I offered several times to drive one of the moms home because she had had a lot to drink. A lot. She insisted she was fine to drive, that she had a kid at home and would not jeopardize that.

She sends me an email the next morning saying she never should have driven home and that her husband said she should have taken me up on my offer to drive her home.

Seriously people!! How old are you? Part of me feels guilty for letting her insist on driving herself. It does not matter that her house was 3-4 miles away and we live in the middle of nowhere. I should not have backed down.

The other part of me is pissed off because she is not a teenager anymore. Why the hell can't she act like the adult she is, like the mother that she is and make a good decision.

I do not know what I will do the next time I am faced with this. I hope I will be strong enough to force her (or whomever) into my car. Any advice for dealing with adults who do not know their limits?