Thursday, May 8, 2008

Who Are You?

A recent conversation with FormerBFF left me with paradigm-shifting realizations and deep questions.

FormerBFF is a nutjob when it come to keeping her house clean. She is always on the go. With her job. With her kids. With household projects.

During the course of this particular conversation, FormerBFF talked about her mom's lack of motivation (of which I already knew), her lack of financial planning (also not new news), and the fact that said mom's house is a "shit house".

Her mom is a pack rat of phenomenal proportions. So is the husband.

Which leads me to wonder.

Who is FormerBFF?

Does she have the life she has because she wants it? Or is she so terrified of being her mom that she lives her life in direct opposition regardless of how sick, stressed or unhappy it makes her?

Where do we draw the line in becoming a happy, balanced person who learns from our own mistakes and the mistakes of others? Doing a 180 and doing the opposite to the extreme is not the healthy answer.

As much as FormerBFF picks apart the behaviors of others, I wonder if she has ever looked at herself.

I doubt it.

I want to ask.

But I won't.

Because I don't think she'd tell me the truth.

And she has hurt me so much that I just don't care anymore.


Chris in Happy Valley said...

Sometimes people just suck.

That's all the insight I've got today...

Momma said...

I think you're dead on with saying she's doing a 180 to her mom. That happens. It's kind of what I did with parenting. Eventually, she'll break down, and she'll be left wondering how she got to the place she'll be. And you? Won't be there to help her pick up the pieces because of how she treated you. It's her karma.

Peace - D

Jay said...

I don't know what caused the split with your former BFF, but it doesn't really matter.

I have a former friend who I worry over because she too is an example of an extreme reaction to her own upbringing. She's an odd mix because she is just as selfish as her mother was, but in a new and different way - she basically has a good heart, and she tries to do the opposite but doesn't quite know how. Meanwhile, she can maintain friendships only for a short time before she sabotages them, so as Momma says, eventually she'll break down, but she'll have only new and shallow friendships to help her through.

I didn't - and still don't - know how to help her. But she hurt me so badly, not once, but twice, that I can no longer be close enough to her to try.

Blue Momma said...

I can relate to this a bit. Not as far as housekeeping goes, but as far as raising my child. I feel I learned many more things that I DON'T want to do from my mother than things I do want to do.

Being hurt by friends really does suck. But now? You have us, all of your internet peeps! And hell, if gas would go the fuck down I'd even come visit!!!!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Sometimes I wonder if I truly am a Supermom or a career-woman-wannabe in disguise, or if I'm none of the above. Just a lazy slob. All I know is that I don't want to be my former BFF, Anne Marie. She had no spine and no personality. She molded her ideals and opinions to the people she was with at that moment. Sad. To not have an identity.

Gypsy said...

It's weird. Sometimes I fear turning into my mother, but other times I feel like that really wouldn't be such a bad thing. At all.

But I don't want to end up like your exBFF's mother.

Geek Mom said...

I think you nailed it when you said she is terrified of becoming like her ma.
And when people are unhappy with their own life its always easier to pick apart someone elses then to focus on their own.

Sorry Ive been MIA lately. Life is goofy right now. I need to blog about it. Been thinking about you guys. I had a dream the other night that you moved back to the Sierra.

Lori said...

I agree with everybody here (as usual) but I have to admit that I was going to write almost the duplicate of what GeekMom wrote.
I think your exBFF is just another one of those sad toxic people who are so afraid of self-examination that they feel safer to pick apart other people's faults.
And I think your ability to distance yourself from her is very wise.
No one needs extra negativity in their lives.
But I'm dying to know what her answers would be if anyone ever asked her to take a closer look at her own behavior.

.:| Melissa |:. said...

Yanno, I know someone, who SAYS she doesn't want to be like her mother, yet, she is. She's EXACTLY like her mother, and refuses to see it! It KILLS me! She will call me up and criticize her mother for the same things that she does her damn self! BUT, when she does what ever it is, she rationalizes it, so that makes it OK! WTF EVER!! She kills me! She just kills me!

And she, like your former BFF, causes her own unhappiness! But, again, fails to see it that way! It's ALWYAS somebody elses fault! UGH

Nicole said...

I feel you, seriously I do...and what's worse, I am currently going through something with someone who is probably going to be my soon to be exBFF if she doesn't cut the shit.

Is it bad when we want to call them on their hypocrisies but we don't? Does that make us hypocrites too?