Friday, September 18, 2009

Going To Bed Ugly Increases Your Sex Drive

Those of us in long-term relationships have more than likely noticed a downward curve in the frequency of sex. In the beginning, our hands and minds run rampant. After years and years together, not so much. I have discovered the culprit. It isn't Colonel Mustard in the Study with the Candlestick.

It is the Bedtime Routine.

Now that we are old (and by old I mean out of college) our bedtime routines have become increasingly more detailed. At one point we collapsed onto our beds, not giving one thought to contacts that should be taken out or make-up that should be removed. Just the blissful feel of the pillow under our heads.

Now? We are busy. Tweezing hairs, tucking hemorrhoids, performing makeshift surgical extractions of ingrown toenails. A cream for this, a pill for that. By the time we make it to the prone position on our mattress, the only tingle most of us feel is from anti-wrinkle cream.

Start a revolution, people. Go to bed ugly. Let that mascara smear. Forget the damned foot powder. Save the Bengay and Preparation-H for later. It's much more fun to snuggle with a partner who doesn't smell like a pharmacy.

11 comments:

Joe said...

Tucking hemorrhoids? Thank God I'm getting ready to head off to work, because that just ruined the mood.

PLEASE LORD LET THIS NOT BE A REAL THING! And grant me the strength to NOT look it up while I'm bored at work.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

@Joe: I have to admit I was inspired by one of my favorite lines in Sorority Boys. I'll have to see if I can find the clip for you. But I know they got it from somewhere, so don't look it up. If you know what's good for you.

Ginny said...

You can't see it, but I'm doing the slow clap. So. True.

Noble Savage said...

I had a run-in (or rather, my husband did) with a forgotten down-below-treatment-cream the other day. He'd not had nookie in so long that he just shrugged and grabbed a sock. Now THAT is marriage.

restaurant refugee said...

On a related note, my ex-wife had a habit of alternating shaving days which meant that I frequently snuggled-up to stubbly legs. That wasn't exactly an aphrodisiac. I tried to talk with her about this and how it affected me and consequently our sex life. It didn't work. In a last ditch effort to get her to understand my point, I shaved my legs and waited for the inevitable stubble. She got the point, but nothing changed... I know, I know, you're shocked it didn't last forever.

A Free Man said...

Some of us don't have a choice about going to bed ugly. Or waking up that way, for that matter.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

@Ginny: I love getting applause!

@Noble Savage: Yes, that is marriage. I love it.

@RestaurantRefugee: I have to say that there are definitely compromises to be made in any relationship. If I knew something was that important to my partner, I would make sure it got done. I love that you shaved your legs to make your point. No one can ever say that you did not try to communicate your needs.

@AFreeMan: I don't think you are giving yourself enough credit. Unless you are talking about other people in your household, and if that is the case, I'm not touching this comment with a ten foot pole.

Creepy said...

I'm ugly 24/7 and have a great sex life!

Gypsy said...

Or just screw in the morning.

Also I'm not sure I'd shave every day for anyone.

Blues said...

so true. I may have to sacarifice my youthful glow. My husband hates the smell of my creams. And if he manages to catch me before I glob it all on, I'll go to bed without it.

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