What Do YOU Do In Your Sleep?

I remember the conversation clearly. I was living overseas and hanging out with my Canadian friend. She told me about this phenomenal sex dream she had had. Rockin' sex. Had the orgasm. Lucky bitch.

But then she continued.

She woke up, her roommate was sleeping on the bed beneath her (they had a loft apartment) and she freaked out because she was afraid she had been moaning and masturbating in her sleep.

What! What the fuck?

I still remember the horror I felt when she told me that. Do people do that? For all those times in college when I had these awesome and vivid sex dreams, was I moaning and thrashing in bed? My poor roommates snickering on their side of the room with their pillows over their ears? Here she goes again...

The thought had never occurred to me.

I am here at my parent's house, which means my 18 month old son has his crib in my old bedroom. I snuck in late last night, laid in bed, got settled in. I hear him let out this huge, contented sigh. Then he ripped the biggest fucking fart I had ever heard come out of an ass so small.

Christ on a bike.

If he farts in his sleep, if my grandmother farts in her sleep (like a Southern thunderstorm, I might add), then I must as well. Good lord. My poor husband. We crash into bed so late at night because we are so tired that he doesn't even remember that sex is supposed to be a team sport. He is probably terrified of waking up in the middle of the night. If I'm not thrashing around, I must be adding to the depletion of the ozone layer.

No wonder I am so tired in the mornings and my sheets smell like a Mexican restaurant.

Next time you hear someone complain, Oh my arm/hand/wrist hurts. I must have slept wrong...

Uh huh. Right.