Thursday, February 21, 2008

What Do YOU Do In Your Sleep?

I remember the conversation clearly. I was living overseas and hanging out with my Canadian friend. She told me about this phenomenal sex dream she had had. Rockin' sex. Had the orgasm. Lucky bitch.

But then she continued.

She woke up, her roommate was sleeping on the bed beneath her (they had a loft apartment) and she freaked out because she was afraid she had been moaning and masturbating in her sleep.

What! What the fuck?

I still remember the horror I felt when she told me that. Do people do that? For all those times in college when I had these awesome and vivid sex dreams, was I moaning and thrashing in bed? My poor roommates snickering on their side of the room with their pillows over their ears? Here she goes again...

The thought had never occurred to me.

I am here at my parent's house, which means my 18 month old son has his crib in my old bedroom. I snuck in late last night, laid in bed, got settled in. I hear him let out this huge, contented sigh. Then he ripped the biggest fucking fart I had ever heard come out of an ass so small.

Christ on a bike.

If he farts in his sleep, if my grandmother farts in her sleep (like a Southern thunderstorm, I might add), then I must as well. Good lord. My poor husband. We crash into bed so late at night because we are so tired that he doesn't even remember that sex is supposed to be a team sport. He is probably terrified of waking up in the middle of the night. If I'm not thrashing around, I must be adding to the depletion of the ozone layer.

No wonder I am so tired in the mornings and my sheets smell like a Mexican restaurant.

Next time you hear someone complain, Oh my arm/hand/wrist hurts. I must have slept wrong...

Uh huh. Right.


Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Oooh, I remember (like a thousand years ago) having these really vivid nasty dreams about my co-workers, then I'd be all freaked out the next day at work, thinking they somehow knew. Or maybe they had the same dream (as if). Whenever I'd tell MDH that I'd had a really wild dream, his first question would be "Who was it this time?". And now, I'm too freaking tired to even have sex in my dreams. Wah. I do, however, still wake up with a crick in my neck from "sleeping funny" - what the deuce was I doing??

Shar said...

Oh, I think dreams are just a way to keep us humble in life. It's like a checks and balances for the soul.

Yeah, the night time farting is killer. When my husband is asleep on the couch downstairs, he fears I'll hear him fart all the way in the bedroom...

buddha_girl said...

1. Suck snot into my nose holes.
2. Fart. I know I do it.
3. Not masturbate.
4. Hold complete conversations with who the hell knows who. I know I talk quite clearly. *shrugging*

Other than that, I hope I SLEEP a little, dammit. Glad to hear that I'm not the only rogue sleep farter around, woman!

Your farter and my farter (the kids, not our asses) should get together for a Fart Fest. Mine LOVES farting in public and letting EVERYONE know about it. Talk about fucking pride.

Blue Momma said...

WHEN we visit I'll remember to bring ear plugs.

I dream about weird shit, but not sex. Hubby would somehow sense it and start trying to wake me up.

I need my beauty sleep.

Fig said...

You're post is too funny... but it's also quite scary... because it does happen. Yep. A few years back I had myself one hot steamy dream and when I woke up... cha, you KNOW it. I lay there... paralyzed... not breathing... hoping like hell I didn't wake up my boyfriend doing what I was doing. Thankfully... he snored and farted and rolled over and that was the end of it.

Now I always think of that when I have even a slightly naughty dream.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

"Christ on a bike" - You. Are. A. Trip.

See you tomorrow!

GroovyHippieMomChic said...

OMFG. LMAO about Christ on a Bike. I almost fell off the couch.
Your post cracked me up!
Miss you!!

VDog said...

oh my fucking god, THAT was hilarious.

Thanks for the laugh.

Momma said...

This is the funniest damned thing I've read in I-Don't-Know-When! I can tell you my babies always ripped some good ones in their sleep, but hubby waits until he wakes up. I try to make sure I'm either (a) out of bed already or (b) I don't disturb the covers for a bit.

As for sex dreams, hey, I'm hanging onto those. I need all that *strange*!


Peace - D

Chris in Oxford said...

I have nothing to add that would not potentially implicate me. Thus, my comment is taking the 5th...

Nicole said...

You're HERE!!!! OMG, I have NO plans this me if you are free ;)

And yeah, that's kinda scary, I used to be like BVB and go to work freaking out because the co-workers might KNOW that I had dreamed about them the night before. LOL