Monday, April 19, 2010

It's Not Cool

Hey Mom,

It's not cool to roll your eyes when you look at the packets of snack crackers the kids are eating. I know you don't like anything with cheese, but how is making a face helpful? Don't you know how much the kids look to you for cues?

It's not cool to go shopping with all of us but only buy flowers for your granddaughter and not her brother who is standing right next to you. What the hell is wrong with you?

It's not cool to watch your granddaughter at soccer practice and cheer her on, yet during your grandson's practice take his sister to the nearby playground and miss all his three year-old moves. Don't you think he noticed?

It's not cool to bring tracing workbooks for both kids but only spend time with your granddaughter doing hers. Don't you remember that they are both in preschool?

It's not cool to help the five year old scoop and eat her dinner but when the three year old wants the same help to belittle him and ask if his arm is broken. What has he ever done to you?

Hey, Mom. It's nice that you want to come to visit, but you cause a lot of stress. When I take you to task on some of the things that you do, being defensive is not an apology. Explanations are not an excuse. I don't know why you do the things you do, but they are harmful and make me sad.

Sincerely,
NATUI the daughter

12 comments:

Cristin said...

Hey! I didn't know we were sisters! 'Cause you just described my mother.

andbabybmakesthree said...

So not cool!

Anonymous said...

Before I became a parent, I didn't know how much stress my own mother would cause me after I did become a parent. Sometimes I have to try REALLY HARD to remember how helpful and loving she is, and to realize that she doesn't REALLY think everything I do is wrong.

Just most things.

only a movie said...

Apparently our mothers went to the same school of Grand-parenting. Or you are my sister's sister.

Titanium said...

She's losing out on the best moments of her life, one misstep at a time.

Her involvement could hurt both the kids beyond measure- sometimes, the child who is "favored" feels even worse than the one who is rejected.

It's just wrong-wrong-wrongness.

Joe @ IrrationalDad said...

My mother in law recently said "I know I'm not supposed to have favorites, but I know that in my heart of hearts, I have a favorite grandchild."

She was referring to her granddaughter (Tyler's cousin) and said this DIRECTLY to my wife (Tyler's mommy).

I've all but written her out of my life, and Sarah's on her way to doing the same (obviously, there are other issues at play, but what the fuck was she thinking in saying that???). Sorry you had to deal with that sis; it really sucks.

Patois said...

Damn! That's so not right. So sorry.

starrlife said...

We must be sista's!

A Free Man said...

I've got a problem with spending more time and having more patience with my older boy as well, but I'm hoping to resolve that by the time my kids are your kids age. FIngers crossed!

Not Afraid To Use It said...

@Cristin, Only A Movie and Starrlife: I knew something felt familiar about the three of you. :)

@babymakesthree and Patois: If she would only realize.

@Titanium: And both kids are starting to see it.

@Joe: That is seriously fucked up. Limiting contact seems to be just the right thing to do.

@AFM: I know what you mean. Their needs flip-flop at different ages. When NotMax potty trains and needs extra help, BoyZ will be more independent and not need you for that particular task. It won't be that you don't love him as much, it's just that at different stages of development the children need different things from us. I am sure you will sort it out. The fact that you are mindful of it is 90% of the struggle.

suzicate said...

Oh, that just made me so sad! And you've told her so she has to know she does it...where is her heart? Did she loan it to the tin man? Your poor little sweet boy who is trying so hard to win her over! I have a friend with the opposite problem with her MIL. She buys things for the girl but not the boy, however she adores and dotes on the boy and doesn't like being around the little girl...wierd.

Blues said...

Ouch. That's hurtful.

When I was younger my grandfather favored my three cousins over us. Every weekend my mom would call and see if she could bring the kids over and every weekend my Grandpa said he already had his hands full with my cousins. One day in a fit of rage my mom drove us over there and told us to get out of the car and then told my Grandfather in a not so nice tone that his grandkids were there to spend time with him whether he wanted them there or not. Okay, so not the best way to handle it.

You know, I don't ever remember feeling sad or rejected by the matter (on the other hand it was three of us that were being rejected and we had each other), but my mom never got over it. It hurt her a lot more than it hurts us, that's for sure.

When my nephew Sam was born I was just head over heels for him and he does have a special place in my heart as an Auntie. The last few times I had been to visit, the younger one Charlie was too little, didn't recognize me, wouldn't sit with me, etc. It was easy to want to just want to spend time with Sammy and leave Charlie out. But this last trip? Fell head over heels for Charlie and it made me very happy.