Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Don't Come Knocking On My Door

Through the open windows I saw a flash of white and black. They sailed past my peripheral vision, and before I had a chance to turn, our screen door opened and the knocking began.

No one comes to our door. No one save the mailman and the occasion political polling person. With every window open, I could see two LDS lads standing on my stoop. And they could see me. Fuck.

I opened the door, and with heart-breaking enthusiasm, my son screamed Pappa's home! and ran to the door.

I smiled my wary Hello I know who you are and I'm not interested in buying smile as my daughter joined us. The house was a disaster behind me. My kids looked like street urchins, the television blared behind us and the two "Elders" smiled their We are here to rescue you from the dismal life you obviously lead.

Except, they never really got to their speech. My son blathered on and on about bears and cheetahs while my daughter explained in great detail the movie they'd been watching. There was no room for God-talk in this cacophony of preschooler conversation. Instead, these two peach-fuzzed boys got a first-hand look at their future. In stereo.

Once I'd distracted and semi-shooed the little ones out from under foot, I let the LDS lads know that we had our religious bases covered, but that I appreciated what they were trying to and thanked them for coming. They nodded, thanked me in return, and would it be wrong to describe their departure as a bat out of hell? They ran, actually ran, down my driveway to the next house. I am sure their quickened steps were due more to the fact that our house had put them behind schedule, but part of me hopes that we were ticked off of their list. Jesus Christ, don't stop at that house because they talk your ear off and won't let you leave. I like the idea of turn about.


That One said...

I've been solicited by Jehovah's Witnesses but never by LDS missionaries. Maybe the LDS folks think my little town and it's residents are beyond redemption.

Anonymous said...

That's the best LDS repellent yet! Way less intrusive than my paintball gun :)

Irrational Dad said...

Epic! I keep meaning to pick up a "No Solicitors" sign, but I'm not sure if it would do the trick.

Two days ago, one came.... he wanted to inspect our basement and offer a quote to waterproof it. Our basement doesn't leak, it FLOODS if someone so much as spits on our lawn. I said no and went on about money and budgets. 4 minutes later, I had an appointment for the next day.

Yesterday, this dude comes and tries to be our best friend. HE JOINED US AT THE DINNER TABLE! He friggin invited himself! Anyway, $15,000.... I told him I'd just let the house collapse and collect the insurance.

Krishanna Magic said...

Eh... don't bet on it...

Patois42 said...

I'm envisioning a "Beware of Attack Preschoolers" sign in your future. Let's trademark it and run with it.

KJ said...

Love it.

Blues said...

Well, that's one way to deal with them.

We were approached once by missionaries at our house in Arizona, I don't remember what religion, but they were quite aggressive. The first thing they asked my husband when he opened the door was "Do you want to go to heaven?".

His answer? "No thanks."

It turns out my husband barely spoke English at the time and I was just pissing myself from the other room.

Anonymous said...

this summer i got to take a cross-country flight without my family. i had a book to read. it was so relaxing not to have a baby on my lap. there was a very friendly couple seated next to me.... then they informed me that they had just returned from a jehovah's witness conference in paris. yes, apparently there is such a thing. and my flight was 5 1/2 hrs long.