Needles and Pins

For a few years, I had a very special best friend in elementary school. She was as nerdy as I was at a time when we were too young to know what that was. We loved school. We loved to read. We were smart and at that innocent stage of our lives when we didn't know or care that we were smart.

I used to ride my bike to her house, and we would lie on the floor and read. All. Day. Long. I loved it. She introduced me to some of my favorite childhood authors, and it was heavenly.

I remember that we used to call each other silly names from The Island of Blue Dolphins, and the word for dragon poo from A Wrinkle in Time (I think it was?).

Total. Nerd. Heaven.

I remember that she got the chicken pox way later than most of us. I biked to her house more than once to keep her company. My dad was furious. Absolutely ragingly pissed off. He said I could get sick again. I told him I was already immune because I'd already had it. He told me not to go. I went anyway.

I remember the day she told me she was switching schools because she was going to take gifted classes that weren't offered at our parochial school. I was so sad. We tried to stay friends, but junior high at two different schools? It just doesn't happen.

We ended up going to the same high school, but it just wasn't the same. Her friends from junior high were there, too. We were all older now. And it was just different. Not bad, just different.

I moved in high school, and that was the end of it. I have always considered her to be a very influential person in those formative years. I know I would not be the same person if not for her.

Over the years, I have tried to track her down. Via old classmates, via the internet. I have not been successful. Until today.

I am not a big Facebooker, but I am on there. In my real life incarnation.

I have searched for her there before, but the search has turned up nothing. Until today.

I sent her a message, not sure if it was her. Since sending the message, I have been able to determine that it is her.

And I feel like I am in the third grade again.

My heart is pounding. I feel nervous. What if she doesn't write me back?

I have so much I want to say to her.

Like I have never had a friend since her who was as smart. Who challenged me on so many levels. (Though I have the feeling that CMGD would, if we were able to spend more time in person together).

Like how sorry I am that I called her stublegs as a kid. That I always thought she was so cute and perfect and had the most beautiful legs, and until she yelled at me that day to stop calling her that I had no idea in my naivete that what I was saying was hurtful.

That it wasn't until I was in college and met someone else with her last name that it even occurred to me that she was Japanese. I hadn't even realized. It never even crossed my mind that we looked differently. She was my friend. I had no idea that we were different. Because we weren't.

So, I have no idea if she will write back. I just had to get this out today because there are very few people in my life that I have cared so much about that do not know it. I hope I get the chance to tell her.