Friday, August 8, 2008

How Out of Shape is Too Out of Shape?

There are two of everyone. The version of ourselves we see in our heads, and the version that everyone around us sees.

I have no problem with the way anyone looks or lives their lives as long as they are reasonably secure in it. I mean hell, we all have our insecurities. But if there is something about yourself that you hate, fucking do something about it instead of whining.

Sorry you quit school? Educate yourself. In a shitty relationship? Get out and do better the next time.

Healthy bitching is one thing. Constant beating oneself up is another.

In an attempt to live up to my own expectations, I went swimming tonight.

Because I think I need to get back into shape.

I don't need to lose weight. I don't need to drop a dress size.

I need to feel like my body is healthy again.

Swimming is one of the only forms of exercise that I find acceptable, and I have a neighbor with a swimming pool. Last week, I put myself out there and asked if I could swim a few evenings a week to help me reach my goal. They kindly obliged me.

Being sick all weekend with a cold knocked out the early part of this week. A heat headache kept me out yesterday.

Today, I was going if it killed me.

And it nearly did.

I got in their pool, and I paddled around.

I swam until I thought it was time to go, and I kind of had to pee--so I got out of the pool.

And herein lies the dangerous aspect of swimming. I love it because I don't sweat, but it is really easy to overexert your body because of the buoyancy of the water.

I got out of the water, and my legs were kind of shaky. Not bad, I thought to myself. I must have gotten a good work out.

As I toweled off, I realized how tired my arms were. Now that I had stopped swimming and was warm under a towel, every muscle started to relax.

Every muscle.

Oh. My. God. I think I am going to piss myself.

There is nothing like standing on your neighbors' pool deck frantically trying to do kegel exercises and not look like you are having some kind of masturbatory fantasy.

And the horrifying part of it was, every step I took across their lawn, out the gate and down the street--a tiny little of bit of pee came sneaking out.

Kind of like farting with every step, but much much worse and not nearly as funny.

After two pregnancies, a c-section and a VBAC I have never had this issue until today.

So how out of shape is too out of shape? If you see a woman walking down the street in a swimsuit with a towel around her body walking like she has a stick up her ass, you know the answer.


jayna said...

Oh hell! I already had to pee when I was sitting here reading this, and now I just laughed so hard at that visual that I think I may have a little bit.

Damn Kegels.

RiverPoet said...

Did you and CMGD coordinate your posts? Two pee posts in one day! :-)

Seriously, though, I love swimming, love it! I can't wait to watch the Olympics with all of the fast, glorious swimming. Though I learned to swim late in life, it quickly became my favorite form of exercise. Now I just need to find a quality pool.

Peace - D

Avitable said...

Hahahaha! That's hilarious and horrible at the same time! Hilrible!

Mouthy Girl said...


I have tears rolling down my fucking cheeks. For real. Dying.

The only thing that could have made this post better is if I could have been there with you and then written the post alongside you.

Honest to God. Move south. I'm not far. There are three houses on my street for sale, fer cripe's sake! Just DO IT!

I'll even share Our Lornie with you!

Anonymous said...

Yep, I think that qualifies for 'too out of shape'! LOL!

That's so funny, but I can understand how it happened. I know when I've swum laps and go to walk up out of the pool I seem to get several pounds heavier with each step. It's a good thing there's a handrail!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Oh, honey! That is awesome! Little pee squirts! Hee hee! See, these unplanned pee posts with the two of us soooo proves that we were separated! We are one brain in two bodies! Fear us!

Or maybe not. That means we each have half a brain. Not so good.

Anonymous said...

NATUI, I wholeheartedly agree - swimming is good and bad for you! At least you didn't pee in their pool?!

I'd love it if you'd come help me launch Pet Peeve Tuesdays with a little "healthy bitching!"

Have a great weekend!

holly* said...

yikes! i agree, at least you didnt pee in their pool!

i've been wanting to get back in shape lately too. the weight i'm ok with, for better or worse. but i want to feel strong. i want to feel healthy. i tried doing the monkey bars the other day while we were at the park and i think i made 4 before my arms locked up. remember how easy those where as a kid. wtf?

Mouthy Girl said...


Here's a MAN'S point of view on this - I shared your post with my HG. He said, "What the fuck? She should have just peed in the pool."

Idiot. Man. I married.

krysta said...

no one tells you about these little problems BEFORE you have kids.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

@Jayna: Sorry! I should have put a spoiler at the beginning! Pee before you read! LOL

@RiverPoet: I had NO idea. That is just hilarious!

@Avitable: That pretty much what I thought. Laughing and pissing, all the way home.

@Buddha_girl: You need to get your ass up here bc boy howdy do I have an activity for us to do together!

@Jay: Yes, god bless the handrail. And the holy hand grenade.

@CCMGD: Double the trouble baby! WooHoo!!

@MommyWizdom: I will DEF check out your Pet Peeve Tues. Sounds like it is right up my alley.

@HollyStar: You made it across FOUR monkey bars?!?! Quit bragging!! I can't even do one. Not one. Unless you count falling off.

@Buddha_Girl: Yes, but I didn't realize I had to go that badly. And it wasn't even that badly, it was just that I couldn't keep it in. And I DID consider it, but that would have meant that I was deliberately getting BACK into the pool strictly for the purpose of pissing in it. It's one thing to pee while you are swimming. quite another to get in, pee, then get out.

@Krysta: I know. And when I read about it I didn't think it would happen to me. Sigh.

Kelly said...

LOL! I probably would have just peed in the pool. That's what chlorine is for.

Vulgar Wizard said...