Thursday, March 6, 2008

When a Roach Just Isn't A Roach

Chris' post over at CDV got the ol' memories flowing today. His topic? The lovely Palmetto Bug.

Those of you who have not lived in the South would argue that a roach is a roach. No ma'am. Indeed the Palmetto Bug is SuperHero of RoachWorld. He is the Emperor of that which is the Insect Dark Side.

See, they are big. Like the size of your thumb big. And they fly. Fast.

Let me share a few of my favorite memories for your blogging pleasure.

The College Years
The first time I stepped on one in my dorm, this thing's exoskeleton held my weight, as in balancing on one foot weight, for a good three-count before it finally gave up the ghost. I swear I felt as if I had stepped on a mouse.

Or the time boyfriend-now-Hubbie sprayed roach-genocide-foam all over one in his apartment and the thing ran all around the living room like a giant white tennis ball. Under the couch back up again, blindly zig-zagging across the room until he pounded it to death into the carpet with globs of foam flying everywhere all the while the both of us screaming and hopping up and down. I believe the cover of his textbook was ultimately ruined.

Apartment Living
Or the time I could heard a scraping click-click noise. I triangulated until I determined it was coming from my bedroom window. The Palmetto bug was (thankfully) on the outside of the mini-blinds, using each individual piece as a ladder to climb it. I could see its little feet as it climbed "rung by rung".

Or the time I opened the medicine cabinet to get my contact lenses and one fucking jumped out at me like some kind of sadistic monster-in-the-box. I learned to pound on the mirror and listen for a few minutes before I opened the medicine cabinet in the mornings.

Our Condo
My favorite is the catch-and-release program we had going on at the condo we owned in ATL. These things make such a mess when you kill them that they will ruin your carpet or your paint job. So sweet, laid-back Hubbie would chase the thing down with a plastic cup, slide a CD-case underneath it, pick it up and throw it out the door. One of the proudest moments of my life came when our nice but preachy neighbor came to visit while I was preggo with LittleBird. We saw one, he caught it. He looked at me. I looked at him. We looked at my neighbor. He started shaking the giant bug in the cup and lunged at her. Her shrieks of Holy Sweet Jesus Save Me! as only an African-American Evangelical Christian can as he chased her around the living room nearly had me pissing myself.

The lessons I learned?

  • It doesn't matter how clean you keep your house. If you live south of the gnat line (that would be Macon to you non-Southern folks) you just have to accept them as a part of life.
  • My cats are lazy fuckers smarter than you think and give these things a wide berth.
  • Most people have a story of waking up with one on their face, as Chris so eloquently blogs.
  • Hubbie may try and charm you, but he is married to me and that means he has a wicked sense of humour when the mood suits him. God I love that man.

9 comments:

Betsey Booms said...

Do you know what I'm most impressed with? That you nearly peed your pants while you were pregnant.

Because when I was preggers there was no nearly. And my husband loved to make me laugh until I wet myself.

He's evil.

Andrea said...

ROFLMAO! I love the last story! Oh! I wish I had been there! Hahahaha!

Amy said...

This is hilarious! (And your header is mighty imtimidating I must say.)

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

OMFG! Herr NATUI, spraying the foam, and buggy running around with said foam. Damn, girl, I couldn't catch my breath! Thank you!

Momma said...

Oh yes...the dreaded palmetto bug. My sister used to toss her husband out of bed if she saw or heard one. "Get it!" she would shout.

Of course, he was a horrible bastard who treated me like crap and turned out to be quite the flaming homosexual, using my sister as a beard.

Not that there's anything wrong with that (the homosexuality)...but don't mess with my sister! I hope he gets some dreaded palmetto bug infestation.

D

Chris in Oxford said...

Based on your title, I kind of thought you might be going a different way with this story.

I love that last last story - sounds like your husband has a great sense of humor. Particularly for a Scandanavian.... Glad I could be as source of inspiration!

Geek Mom said...

Oy. Your post took me back in time. LMAO!
They are aggressive suckers. It creeps me out how the buzz and fly at you. I swear their shells are made of concrete.
One of the main things I dont miss about Florida living. I think if they had a state bug it would be the Palmetto. Ugh.

Nicole said...

OMFG, I was ROLLING on the floor laughing at the idea of your DH chasing her around the room with that thing! LOLOLOLOL MuseumMan (or should he be ParasitePop?) just looked at me like I had lobsters growing out of my ears!

We had an evil PB experience at the last place we lived in FL before we moved to the Deck. The fucker flew OUT of the AC unit when we turned it on the first time. Our bed was under the AC unit. It was NOT pretty. LMAO

.:| Melissa |:. said...

ROFLMAO -- that last story was priceless, I'm sure!!

Just found your blog today, through Coal Miner's Grandaughter ... going back doing some reading of your posts and ran across this one!

O.M.G. DO I HATE THOSE FUCKERS!!! I live in West Metro ATL, I haven't seen any in this home in the 4 years we've lived in it, but where I used to live ... Well, I used to have night mares about those damn BIG AS A HOUSE things! I'd be all covered up in them *shudders* and wake up in all in a sweat and screaming!

One evening, I was putting the dishes away, had a handfull of forks and a handfull of spoons, reached in to put the forks into the silverware thingie, and OMFG ONE CRAWLED ACROSS MY HAND!!!! With both hands still full, I yanked my hand out of the drawer and I began to scream and jump about, flailing and all. The BUG BE GONE dance! *nods* Hubby ..... he's sitting there. dying of laughter. at ME! Fucker!

Once, I had one do the kamakazi dive at my head too! WTF man!! So I brought out the BROOM OF DEATH and proceeded to follow it about the house ... slowly beating the life out of it! Took for fucking ever to kill that damn thing too!!

But no, I don't like to kill them either, cuz like you said, they leave a HUGE mess! eW

Nasty fuckers!

Glad I found ya ... bookmarkin ya too! ;)