Wednesday, March 19, 2008

If You Have Three Trains Travelling

I never could figure out the math questions talking about trains. I hated them. They gave me a headache, and I have dreaded those types of questions on exams ever since.

I should have paid more attention.

I feel very discombobulated right now. I feel split in three. There is the part of me that feels like I am still up in the High Sierras. That I should be able to look out the window and see all that was familiar to me.

There is the part of me that feels like I should still be at my parent's house. Visiting a childhood home is always a bit of a mindfuck anyway. To be there almost an entire month, trying to be a parent to your own children while your parents treat you like a child, wreaks havoc on one's psyche.

Now there is the third me. The new me. In my new town. In my new life. So much of the past few months have been hurry up and wait. Now I am here. I am lonely. I am sad. I don't even know where to start. Unpack boxes? Take the kids to the park? The store?

I am trying to create stability for them.

All I really want to do it take a nap.

I know this will pass, and I will regain a sense of who I am. Of where I am. It always gets better. It always could be worse.

All I want is for someone to come over and have a cup of coffee with me.


Strange Scottish Girl said...

I am in another continent but I would come and have a coffee with ya, it sucks feeling disorientated like you dont belong, i am not good with change very much, but soon things start feeling like home, you just need a little space that is your own with photos and stupid funny things you picked up when drunk one night and a card someone sent you and some random pic out a magazine and some cake and some friends to laugh with.

SJ said...

Ooh, Countess NATUI: I am so sad that you're sad. Sometimes the enormity of something like pulling up stakes just takes some time to process. If I could figure out a way to "Bewitched" wiggle my nose and pop in w/some Starbucks, I would so be there in a shot. Oh, wait a minute - I would be there WITH shots. Tequila shots. Your loneliness could then be replaced by nausea.

Just breathe, girl. Tackle little things (a box every 2 hours, or every day). Take it slow. Maybe get out if it's not inclement - is there a kiddy park nearby? Fresh air does wonders, too.

You need to grab that pioneering, feisty spirit of yours and make things happen. Just don't get on a train - from what you said you'll end up god knows where. Then you'll really know sad.

krishanna said...

Moving to a new place where you know no one really, is hard. You'll soon get your bearings and you know.. I live in VA too... not far from you. Check your e-mail. ;)

Anonymous said...

Awww..Girl. Im so sorry that you are feeling lonely. I wish I could come and have a cup of coffee and hang out with you! I drove by your old place the other day and felt sad.
I have moved alot in my lifetime (looks like im about to again) and every single time I have felt the way you have discribed. Any kind of change, even good change is hard. Just give yourself time. Take it day by day and I promise you it will get better.
Love to you..

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

OH! I fucking hate blogger. Piece of shit lost my comment! ARRRRRGH!

OK, my previous comment was so very heartfelt and long. What I said, in a nutshell, was I'm sorry that you're lonely and I wish I could come up there and hang with you and help you unpack.

We're thinking of you down here! Love you!

Military Mom said...

If my husband would just invent that teleportation device already, I would be there and there would be coffee and girl talk. I know just how you feel, and I hate it for you. But it will pass. Get out and meet your neighbors, get to know people. A chick like you will make friends in no time. Wish I was there with you!