Sunday, October 11, 2009

It's Not You, It's Me

It is one thing to feel irritable throughout the day, it is another to realize you are irritated at everyone. When every person you see or talk to is a moron or an asshole, when every program or news article leaves you shaking your head in disgust, it's time to come to the conclusion that the problem is you.

That is how I spent the better part of last week. Seething and fuming over every perceived indiscretion. It's an awful way to spend a day. It's exhausting. My kids suffered for it. My marriage suffered for it. I suffered for it.

Things don't look like they are going to be all that different this week. Work schedules continue to suck, the kids have one less day of school (thanks Cristóbal), and frankly I'm kind of scared. I don't want to be that angry mom. I don't want to have to apologize to my kids for losing my temper. They wouldn't understand if I said it's not you, sweetheart, it's me because when you are a kid it always feels like it's your fault.

Except sometimes maybe when you are an adult it still feels like it's all your fault. The food is too spicy. The bath water isn't hot enough. The dishes didn't get loaded. The laundry never made it to the dryer and has to be rerun. The cat puked four days ago in the middle of the hallway and even your three-year-old remembers to step over it as he stumbles his way to the kitchen for breakfast.

Fault and responsibility. It's a fine line.

7 comments:

Joe @ IrrationalDad said...

Someone I know has moments like that. Someone I know may have been looking for and bitching about every wrong thing I did this weekend while someone I know was out of town with someone I helped create just over a year ago.

Hope things turn around for you. If not, go find a mom neglecting her kit at a Walmart and beat the tar out of 'er.

andbabybmakesthree said...

Sounds like a tough week!!! Hope things start looking up soon.

Hugs,
D

Cristin said...

I have days, weeks like this too...
I felt it creeping up yesterday, it's a struggle to keep it at bay sometimes...

Patois said...

I am that angry mom at times. And during those times, I often wonder, in the throes of self-hatred, if my kids would be better off with an angry mother or no mother. I am never sure.

Hard days.

Titanium said...

It's you. And me. And if you look around, there's more of us everywhere! Tired, stressed, stepping over cat-puke on our way to put out a fire...

Hang in there. One-liners from the chillins make it all worth while!

Not Afraid to Use It said...

@Joe: I try not to cross the line at getting arrested. :)

@andbabymakesthree: the good news is that the bad shit can't go on forever, right? This must mean I'm nearly through to the other side!

@Cristin: The important thing is recognizing it early enough to make a change. I'm glad you did.

@Patois: That is the ultimate question, isn't it. My days have been full of I love you Mommy, but it's kind of hard to feel the love when you are cleaning up pee or cheerios for the umpteenth time.

@Titanium: Yes, those one-liners make it all better! LOL

Noble Savage said...

I know exactly what you mean. Just the other day I was angry at not only my children and the world, but inanimate objects. Damn refrigerator door was out to get me, I tell you! It's overwhelming sometimes. I try to keep it in check but it's hard to know how to get it all out in a healthy, non-destructive way. A punching bag hidden in a closet somewhere, perhaps? Lithium? Running away to join the circus? All options I've considered at some point. You have my empathy.