When The Roses Aren't Red

Tragedy always begs the question: Is there a time limit to mourning? How long does one grieve? The flip side of this, how long does one hold a grudge? Hold on to the anger? The grief? The blame?

I understand the argument that holding on to anger and resentment can eat a person from the inside out and rot your soul. Sometimes, however, it serves a higher purpose.

I belonged to a geek-for-hire tutoring program for freshman classes at my university. During one of the tutoring sessions, my student was visibly upset and not focused at all. When asked, the story was as follows:

Her father had killed someone in a drunk-driving accident several years back. I do not recall the exact circumstances, but my sense was that there was very little, if no jail time served. My student had just gotten off the phone with her mother. It was the anniversary of the accident, and it turns out that the widow of the victim sends a bouquet of black roses to their house. Every year.

The student told me they had moved, changed their contact information, done everything humanly possible. Yet still, that woman and her kids found them every year and had those black flowers delivered.

Why won't she just leave us alone? she asked. She explained how upset it made her family. Her father.

My thoughts? Too. Fucking. Bad. Your dad? Killed her husband. He killed the father of those children. Because he was drunk. It upsets you and your family that one day a year you have to think about that fact? How about those kids who will never sit down to dinner with their father? The wife who had to pick up the pieces and suddenly raise a family and pay the bills on her own? He may have been the love of her life, and she will never feel his arms around her again.

Did I say those things? Well. I explained them in not so many words. I tried to gently give the other point of view. That while she "only" had to "deal" with it once a year, those kids and their mom dealt with it every single day.

My voice was calm. I do not trust that my eyes were.

Answering my own question of guilt, blame, and a time frame, I think this is a time where there is no time frame. An action that may have started out in anger I feel may well have evolved into a simple, yet effective, reminder.

Lady of the Roses? I hope you are still out there. I hope you continue to honor your husband by having those roses delivered. He deserves it, and so does the other family.