Sunday, June 15, 2008

Get Your Green Tambourine

Life has been hard, lately. We have been faced with many challenges, and the fortitude I felt moving into the DC area has all but disappeared.

I am worn down. I feel as though I have no strength from which to draw.

I am tired of feeling as if there is no solution.

I am tired of treading water.

I am feeling rootless. I want to settle down. I want to be in a neighborhood that I know will be for a long time. That I can get invested in. I have not had the ability or opportunity to put down roots for years, and it is taking its toll.

This has been the state of affairs for me for quite some time now. Today, on Father's Day, when my spouse is in one state and I am in another it has been another sad and stressful day for me.

Thankfully, for a brief period of time, I have been able to be grateful for the so many things I do have in my life that I just can't always see.

My husband is here. With me. He left his country. For me. For us. For our marriage. For the possibility of future children.

I have spells of guilt during summer days of not living in Sweden anymore, and it is hard for me to know what he is missing. Because I know. I lived it. And I know we are where we need to be for now. That we will be stronger for it.

But tonight? I long for a bright sky at midnight, a walk by Edsviken, dinner on our altan, and maybe a rousing game of kubb thrown in for good measure.

I leave you with my theme for this feeling. Roxette is Swedish. They know of whence they sing. I can't explain it any better than this.

June Afternoon

Didn't I tell you everything is possible
in this deja vu?
Try the river boat, the carousel,
feed the pigeons, Bar-B-Q.

Look at all the people, happy faces all around
Smiling, throwing kisses, busy making lazy sounds

It's a bright June Afternoon, it never gets dark
Wah-Wah! Here comes the sun
Get your green green tambourine, let's play in the park
Wah-Wah! Here comes the sun

Some folks are on blankets, slowly daydreaming
And reaching for their food
Let's go buy an ice-cream
And a magazine with an attitude

And put on a cassette, we can pretend that you're a star
'cause life's so very simple, just like la-la-la

It's a bright June Afternoon, it never gets dark
Wah-Wah! Here comes the sun

Get your green green tambourine, let's play in the park
Wah-Wah! Here comes the sun

There's a painter painting his masterpiece
There's some squirrels jumping in the trees
There's a wide-eyed boy with a red balloon
All my life I've longed for this afternoon


Momma said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this! I know that feeling well. We've moved around a lot, so I have trouble even telling people where we're from. If I say "Houston," they want to know when I moved here from Houston. Well, it's a little more complicated than that.

I hope that soon you will find yourself rooted somewhere with your little nest. Until then, enjoy a June afternoon or two with those precious children :-)

Peace - D

buddha_girl said...

Here's to finding a place to plant yourself and root with abandon. Perhaps the ole husband would be able to find a place to transfer down HERE. I'd be instant family. Scary thought, sometimes!

I'm glad you were able to spend the day with the man you love and enjoy a few moments of peace together.

Krysta said...

I hate feeling the way you described... I hope you feel better soon.

Sinead said...

My sister is married to a Swede and lives in Sweden with two kids. She loves the Summer there, but speak to her in March, when the long winter still isn't over and she is about ready to book the next flight out of there-one way! With a multinational family it is always going to be difficult for someone, you just have to look at the opportunities that you have and see where the best place to live and raise a family is. It is a bloody difficult choice.

I have been to Sweden in the Summer and it is lovely. But just remember the winter! My sister is m

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Someday, I have the feeling, someday you'll have that summer home in Sweden and that winter home in the Caribbean, or Georgia, or the Keys. Hey, it can happen!

You'll get those roots sooner than you know. Hope! :-)

Not Afraid to Use It said...

@Momma: That's it exactly. People ask where I am from, and I am starting to answer with How far back do you want me to go? LOL

@Buddha_Girl: Can you imagine if we were neighbors? We'd have to have matching Nessies in our front yards.

@Krysta: Thanks, hon. Me too.

@Sinead: March was pretty much my breaking point, too. My bday is in March and there are supposed to be flowers blooming, not chunks of slush in the yard. I know you speak from the heart on it being a bloody difficult choice. I'm proud of you guys for doing so well.

Chris in Happy Valley said...

I can certainly relate to your feeling of rootlessness. I'm hoping the latest move was the last for a while. It's always hard when your separated from your partner as well - just makes that feeling of being lost that much worse.

You'll get through it. And the good news is that this transient lifestyle makes us wiser, stronger and more interesting than the saps that still live in the town they were born in.

K-Mom said...

We've moved around a lot, too and never once has it been easy.

I know the feeling you're describing all too well. Hubby and I had several bad years in a row where we were working so hard toward our goal of getting him through school. So many times I felt like the guy in the myth that keeps rolling the rock up the hill only to have it roll back down.

Hang in there, and I know this sounds corny, but it really helped me to stay focused on the end result.

You've got grit, girl. You'll be just fine.

Gypsy said...

I know the feeling. And damn, that feeling sucks. {hugs}