Friday, May 30, 2008

You are MY Friend

There are many ways to get divorced nowadays, and proper etiquette is sometimes a mystery.

A conversation with a friend about the subject led her to comment on the fact they they "got" the husband in the divorce. The separation was nasty and difficult. Apparently, friends of the couple were forced to choose sides. They chose the husband, much to the woman's surprise.

It seems to me that usually the person who demands that their friend choose side ends up without the friends.

As long as Hubbie and I have been together, we are only now going through the growing pains of divorcing friends. What say you, oh readers? Have you ended up having to choose? Or have you been able to remain friends with both parties?


Jay said...

I am totally with you - if you try to force friends to choose, you will usually end up without them. So sad.

Let me see .. not that many of our friends and relatives have divorced. With a certain family member, while not divorced they are separated and I couldn't remain friends with SIL because we've never been friends, so that one was easy.

Good friend of mine, her husband was a serial adulterer, so while I'm still friendly if we meet, I wouldn't invite him round or anything - that would be insulting to her. But no-one forced this decision on me, it's just the way I feel.

Momma said...

Yes, we've had a few of these now. In both cases of recent memory, we've gotten the wives in the divorce, not necessarily because anyone asked us one way or another. They're the ones we knew first. But we have nothing against the men, and in one case, we had a nice little visit with one of the husbands at a local sandwich shop when we ran into each other there.

If someone demanded my loyalty (or even suggested that), they would probably lose me. I think I would find it hard to trust them, you know?

Peace - D

buddha_girl said...

Oddly enough, until I read your post, I hadn't thought about friends divorcing because none of mine have gone through one while my friend.

I have a dear friend who divorced long before I met her. I work with another woman who divorced last year. Had I been friends with her and the ex prior to the divorce, I know she wouldn't have asked me to choose sides.

She wouldn't have had to - her husband was a cheater to the 9th degree. I fear I would have publicly humilated him because I have a spiteful streak that runs strong.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

Strangely enough, in all the divorces of friends we've been through (and in our advancing age, there have been quite a few) - we get the husband. One in particular was a heartbreaking parting of the ways (we truly thought they'd be together forever). I tried valiantly to keep in touch with the wife, but she chose to shut off that part of her past.

Gypsy said...

We don't have a lot of couple friends, so this hasn't really happened. Yet.

Mermaid said...

None of our couple friends have divorced. We do have a friend that divorced before we were friends, and the stories she has to tell! Every time her husband picks up his daughter from a playdate I'm looking for the claws and horns. He seems nice enough for five minutes-but I guess most anyone can do that.

MommyWizdom said...

A mutual couple-friend of ours divorced... we were each friends with each of them respectively before they married (short marriage). In our married naivete we tried to remain friends with each of them as it had been before but that didn't work. The wife shut us down. We got the husband (even bought the car they had together from him). Divorce sucks! I still miss her, but I love the car, lol.

CPA Mom said...

No, we've not had to choose because we don't have any couple friends. I have my friends and my husband just talks sports or stuff with their spouses when we get together.

I have one divorced friend whose husband also cheated me out of thousands of dollars to "choosing her" was a no-brainer.

I'm still trying to find someone to kill him.

You only think I jest.

Kellie said...

When my ex-husband I split, it wasn't real pretty. My 'friends' felt it better to take his side without ever hearing MY side of anything. Most were his friends before I came along, but he and I were together for 8 years and maried for 3 so, they'd become my friends, too. A few have stayed friends with me, which means a lot. Those that felt it better to pretend I never was there, well....I learned who my true friends were and who they weren't.

When Jimmy's (my boyfriend) sister and her husband split, she forced us to choose. She made it clear we were to have NOTHING to do with him in any way, shape or form. I don't roll like that. You tell me NOT to do something, I'm more apt to DO it. I stayed friends with him for a year after they split. Moslty through e-mails and the occassional lunch. But, he moved on with his new life and it's now been 6 months since I've heard from him.

K-Mom said...

It's hard because you don't feel like you should mention one to the other, but at the same time, you know they're dying to ask.

Usually, it's just easier to pick one or the other. It's sad, but easier.

highlander1463 said...

I play golf with the ex-husband of one friend. And the husband of a couple we have known for years still talks to us, but the wife disappeared.

I tend to flirt uncontrollably with the wives, that may drive some of these friends away. I don't know why they keep coming back in the first place. Then again, maybe I am the reason they get


Rachel said...

I have been on both sides of this. I am divorced, but my ex and I didn't really have any friends that we made while together, just the ones I had. He really didn't have any. So, of course, they continued to be my friends when we divorced. He's a loser so that really wasn't a hard decision.

Then, my bff and her husband (that had been together for as long as I had known her) divorced and I am still civil to her ex. If I saw him out, I would say hi and it wouldn't be awkward, but we are no longer friends. She is my bff, so there was never any question.