Friday, April 18, 2008

This Weekend, Drinks Are On Me

Ladies and gentlemen, after the absolute shite day I have had, drinks are on me.

Note: If you put your cursor over the link, you can read the ingredients of each drink without actually having to go off-site.**

We start with an Old Crusty in honor of LittleBird waking up with her eyes crusted over and handing me her eye boogers.

Next, the Dumbfuck for LittleBird's teacher giving me a lecture about sunblock, its application, and their legal standpoint on the issue.

Adding injury to insult, our bartender serves a Silver Spider in honor of the nasty, mean-looking spider on my stroller that jumped out of the tray and down onto LittleMan's jacket. Then down in his seat. We drink to the sharp and jagged death he suffered at my hands.

Then we come to the Teacher's Pet, for the phone call I got from the school stating that everyone is convinced that LittleBird has pink eye, and that I need to come and get her.

Feeling this popular with the school staff only naturally leads to a Buttfuck for the $25 additional fee the doctor's office wanted to charge me for being a walk-in. An extra round for the receptionist fully admitting that if I walked outside into the hallway and called from my cell phone that would be considered "making an appointment."

You can take a 30 minute breather until you get served a Damn Right for calling the school to tell them it wasn't pink eye, fuck you very much.

Don't let your ego get the best of you because here comes an Old Lady paired with a Shut The Hell Up dedicated to the cranky old bitch at the CVS that yelled at me, telling me I was a terrible parent for feeding my kids potato chips while sitting on the floor. I hope they got your dosage wrong, bitch.

No chance to recoup--time for the kick me while I'm down Million Dollar Cocktail for the pharmaceutical company charging me $70 for the We-Do-Not-Make-This-In-Generic eye drops for LittleBird.

Time for a bite to eat to help balance out this liquor? Nope! Next you get served A Chicken Drop for the first and only bite of chicken nugget LittleMan took, spat onto my chest after chewing it up, and then refusing all other food.

On a softer note, our next round involves Sweet Dreams paired with a Green Eyes because LittleBird actually fell asleep after I administered her eye drops.

Don't think you get to rest too long because next it is time to stagger across the floor for a Fiery Kiss. We get to drink this one for my doing the kiss test on LittleMan's forehead only to come to the realization that he had woken up with 103.8 fever.

You get to stand on the bar and cheer for a Homecoming and can I get an Alleluia because Hubbie came home from work, and it's Friday thank fucking god.

Then, we need a Grocery Boy in honor of the sweet little teen-aged Lebanese cashier who took my money and made me smile when I bought LittleMan's fever medicine.

We top off the night with a Sicilian Kiss for the Sicilian CPK pizza we cooked.

For dessert? A Detroit Red Wing in honor of the Red Wings vs. Predators game Hubbie watched while I blogged.

Last but not least, for your aching heads and my sleep-crazed daughter, a Lay Down and Shut Up!

**On a more serious note, it took me fucking ages to get the rollover coding right for this post. So go back, look at all the ingredients, and have yourself a drink on me. Even if you don't, lie to me and tell me you did.

14 comments:

Geek Mom said...

Dude.
You are brilliant. I am saving this post. LOVE it! I have had the shit week so I can relate.
I might make some of these drinks next week.
You rule.
Miss you!

random_mommy said...

Love this post!
Hate the doctor's office policy about walk-ins!! WTF?

Hope the weekend provides some relief!

Momma said...

I'd like a Sweet Dreams, please! Actually I can't drink at all right now, which SUCKS! Otherwise, I'd drink a toast to you having a much better week next week.

You should come up with a drink called a "Sock in the Jaw" for the old lady in the CVS, the idiots at the school, and the stupid doctor's office (just hit them all, don't discriminate!).

2 oz. Everclear
1 oz. Goldschlagger
2 oz. lemon juice
Angastura bitters to taste

That oughta rattle their teeth.

P.S. - I'm watching game 5 of Caps v. Flyers. The Caps are playing with joy and verve. They will not go quietly.

Peace - D

.:| Melissa |:. said...

Good Grief, woman!! You sure did have a day!! Well, I DID get my drink on last night, though, it was just beer, not any mixed drinks. Have no liquor in the house presently! And if I did, I'd probably end up an alchy, cuz of the way things have been going around here, I feel like I "need" a drink every damn day! No liquor around, no drinkey, no become an alchy! ;0) Yea, I'm too lazy to go and buy any! LOL Really though, we only have one vehicle, and it's usually not with me. Even if it was with me, I'm still too lazy to drive the 5 miles to the Liquor store! LOL

buddha_girl said...

I am looking in the face of a genius. Impressive.

If I imbibed in alcohol, I'd be trying some of those drinks PRONTO - in your honor.

The school people are idiots.
Fuck their sunscreen preachers.
Fuck the "no generic" gods.
Fuck fucking doctors who think that it's acceptable to overcharge beyond the fucking co-pays when a parent has an emergency. Hello? We don't PLAN on fucking infections, fucktards.

You're amazing. As usual.

aithne said...

Excellent post! Loved it though I hate that you had to have that kind of day to enable the post.

I am thinking of trying some of these out myself.

Did you try any?

So what was the outcome of the eye drops? Is she ok now?

I am sorry if offend anyone, but some of those school people are the most arrogant, holditoveryourhead people I have ever met.

Chris in Flux said...

How's your head the morning after all that?

K-Mom said...

Here's to you NATUI!!! I will join you in Shut the Hell Up in honor of the woman at Old Tyme Pottery today who told me I needed to get one of those cloth seat covers for my shopping cart so Miss Priss wouldn't catch anything.

It doesn't protect me from unsolicited advice from bossy old bitches...which is worse than any germ, so what's the point?

Gypsy said...

Very clever!

That doctor's office is running a racket, man.

Not Afraid to Use It said...

@GeekMom: I wish I were there to drink with ya babe. That Green Eyes has been calling my name. Miss you too, man!!

@RandomMommy: Yeah, I am rethinking this peds office. Blech.

@Momma: That sounds like a good name for a drink. You would totally get the credit for that one.

@Melissa: Yeah, I couldn't even try any of the recipes bc I don't have the right kind of liquor in the house. Boooooo!

@Buddha_Girl: Awww! Genius is not what I am accostumed to being called, so thanks! LOL

@Aithne: She was AWESOME about the drops for the first three doses or so. Considering she is three, that is amazing. Now, she's over it and tired of us poking at her eyes. I don't blame her.

@CiF: I wish I could have actually tested some of them out. I'll let you know when I do.

@K-Mom: Hey--I've got a cart protector I'll sell ya for cheap. :) Seriously, though, how is that kind of a bitchy attitude supposed to help you out? Next time just tell them you are building her immune system by letting her lick the metal.

@Gypsy: It's a racket alright. They probably go out and have staff dinners on what they collect. Bastards.

Sherrie said...

That made me laugh!!! :-) I loved it and linked over to it! :-)

Linda R. Moore said...

:: round of applause ::

I should've read this yesterday when I was having my own utterly shite day. ;)

Flowers said...

greatness. i took sherrie's advice and came over for a look. i could have done with reading this post a couple of weeks ago. nowhere near as bad as your day but melodrama rules in my camp.

Blue Momma said...

Cool post! You must send me the rollover code. Please???????

And look at your 13 comments. I remember when I was one of your few. Now everyone is discovering your marvelousness! I recognize several of these girls from my blogroll and mom's group.

You know you rock, right????