Thursday, August 2, 2007

The Jinx of the BFF

I will never have another best friend.

Or maybe I should say, "Best Friend." Not to be dramatic, but I don't think there is a BFF for me.

I understand that people change over time. Careers, Education, Motherhood, etc. As I have grown up I have had several friends whom I thought would be in my life forever. In every case we have not only chosen separate paths in life, but I have found myself questioning my ability to judge character. I think that as I have changed in life and tried to mould the friendship to fit my new experiences, I have given up too much of myself. I don't say what needs to be said at the right time out of fear of hurting my "friend's" feelings, and I have ended up getting taken advantage of and treated like garbage.

I have spent the past two, maybe three weeks anguishing over my a situation regarding my no longer current best friend. I have felt that our relationship was lacking for quite some time, but I have never found the courage to talk about it to her. The few times I have tried to talk in a non-confrontational manner have back-fired because this friend has such a strong personality. Because we do not live n the same state all our communication is via phone. There are many things I would like to have addressed with her over the past year, but with both of us beings moms of young ones and all the outside drama going on, there has never been a "right" time to hash out certain things. Then, too much time passes and it is even harder to try and talk.

Now, a few things that happened that are a deal breaker for me. I have not had the chance to talk to her because she has made herself unavailable to me. I do not want to follow her around like a puppy. She has treated me like garbage the past two weeks, and though I WILL tell her (in a nice way) the next time we talk, I do not know that I have an interest in continuing the relationship past this point. It breaks my heart to feel this way, but I think I deserve better. I named my daughter after her and sometime in the future I will have to explain to dd what happened. It all makes me so sad.